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2006 -- May's journal May 1st -- Happy 60th birthday mum. Sorry I didn't get you a pressie, can't do such things when in hozzie, but will sort you out a right sparkler soon enough!!! I put the pictures of us all (including Elvis) up in my photo album. Bless Auntie Elaine. On Saturday, she said to my mum "Why didn't you tell me Evie was ill, I could have worried with you!" (You have to know that my mum worries about everything so much she wore her Guatemalan worry dolls out.) David Wolfe in the UK -- book today for a discount May 2nd -- Only one more day to go for you to get £50.00 off our retreat with David Wolfe in October. Remember, he's only appearing here with us in the UK this year, so make the most of this opportunity to transform yourself with "the world's favourite raw food teachers". After today, the early booking discount is no more and you'll have to pay the whole lot (which is quite pricey coz of the cost to us of the fab venue, organic raw food and the speakers, but we know it's all worth it, as do those of you who've booked already!). The poppet OK, I've not got much time, though on some level I have as I've got no concept of all the outstanding work on my desk since doing nothing about it for two weeks. Hmmm. But I want to write about what happened with Evie... I think I wrote most of it in April's journal, but the update is this... What the doc said about the pine nut in her airway leading to her lung was denied by the next doc we saw (they all had different opinions of where it may be). He said it's defo in the lung and the big blob of puss inside the lung was surrounding it, trying to attack it. Anyway, no-one actually knew for sure. Evie went under general anaesthetic at about 8.30am on Thursday. Oh, I'm like the least squeamish person in the world, and when they put her under I was holding her. One second she was hanging out with me as normal, the next she just flopped. I got moved out of the way and as I stood up I went all peculiar and nearly fainted. Oh, it was an odd sensation, not like when you faint in the shower or anything, much more like your soul had been temporarily removed from your body. It probably removed itself to go hang out with Evie in the theatre. Anyway, they gave me and Matt a pager. We went outside to text our family and mates that she was under and to send love to her. I paced up and down for a while, and I sat there, and there was nothing in my head. Just this feeling of emptiness and nothing else. I barely breathed for that hour, though. After about an hour, we went back up to the theatre, where we hung out by the doors. As soon as the pager went off I jumped about ten foot in the air and we were there, by Evie's bed (yeah, she had her bed that we'd been sleeping in, not a cot like the other babies, and it looked so big with her in it). She was just coming round, and was all fat lipped and groggy and wobbly. Her head must have felt so heavy coz it just kept falling and taking the rest of her with it. I didn't want to snuggle her coz she wasn't allowed any booboo for 4 hours (coz of the anaesthetic in the back of her throat), so Matt snuggled her, but she was all over the place and he had to put her down in the end so we just stroked her and loved her. The nurse gave her a bravery certificate (where was mine??), and I got on the bed with Evie while we were wheeled back to our ward. Once there, she got really upset that she couldn't have her booboo. Ann, the special play nurse entertained her as hard as she could, then Matt took her but she got really upset about not being with me, so I took her and we played all together. I then snuggled her standing up til my arms couldn't take it any more and then Matt took her for a walk, and she eventually fell asleep. She slept for ages and when she came round it was well past booboo time, so we snuggled and she drank from me, and drank and drank as I was so full. And at no point did I feel much at all. It's just been a case of having to go through the motions. Well, I did feel a bit odd on Monday night when we got admitted, I was like a cat on hot bricks, really didn't want to be there and was ready to discharge us the next day. I got no sleep coz of the beeps going off all night (these are when babies are attached to drips and if they lay on the drip it beeps for the mother to move it, and it's constant), babies crying, nurses laughing and everything. Anyway, the next morning I looked at Evie, who was still so ill and just lying there and I realised I couldn't actually discharge us, and much as I hated being there and it felt like a prison, this was our home for the next few days. The report said that the surgeons had removed "mucous and debris". I think they'll test the debris to see if it was a pine nut, but am not sure. I think it's about 99% sure that it was, given her symptoms and the amount of gunk in her lung. Anyway, we'd cancelled our trip to Hull coz Evie was going to remain in hozzie for a few more days, but then they discharged us the day of the procedure, so we went up to Hull the next day. Am really glad we did, as it was good for Evie to hang out with the boys and fab for me to not be at home on my own. Matt's mum, as ever was a total love. She came to the hozzie twice, with pressies and grapes for Evie. Bless. Oh, and talking about food, I had a suitcase of it with me, mainly fruit and avos. I took some green superfood, too and had that in water. It was all simpler that way. Evie barely ate -- she hardly ate for the whole two weeks, just had booboo. She's lost a lot of weight, but is quickly putting it back on, and I've made her a super-rich raw vegan version of Complan, which she's not keen on, but it's totally rebuilding which she needs. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? And in a weird way, the whole hozzie stay was a total blessing because of something we discovered about Evie while we were there. She had blood tests, and they came back showing that she was anaemic. At first I was shocked by this because I know she gets more than the RDA of iron. I know that she gets some haem iron from me, then the rest is non-haem iron. When working this out, we needed to take a few things into account... me and my mum are both borderline anaemic, and always have been, even when we ate meat. Evie could have the same low uptake as we have, though the nurse said there's no hereditary link. Also, if I've not got much iron, then my breastmilk won't have much. For a while, I still couldn't work it out, though, because my milk aside, Evie gets enough iron. Then I spoke to Tish and she said that nuts (nuts again!!) inhibit iron absorption. I've been checking it out and it's quite a major deal (though soaking and sprouting them alters this). A lot of other things inhibit iron absorption, too, such as cow's milk, so it's not just a raw or vegan issue. It turns out that the group of people most likely to be anaemic are toddlers, maybe because of their faddy ways, and the erraticness of the transition from milk to food. So all the while I'm being everso careful about vitamin B12 and D, Evie's anaemic! So, even though the hozzie experience was totally traumatic for both of us, I'm glad of it, as Evie had showed no signs that anyone's picked up on. I had a really good natter with the dietitian and I've asked her to test Evie for some other things when we next visit her in a month. I'm so clear in my mind that I have to get to the bottom of raw child nutrition and write about it in a truthful way, and I'm so intent on Evie not being an experiment gone wrong which is what some raw kids end up being, that I'm happy to work with the dietitian to get it perfect for Evie and all the other raw kids out there. For now, though, just to get her iron levels up, she's on a supp for a month. We'll then reevaluate it all. And you know what? Again, this isn't a raw or vegan issue... most kids eat fortified food -- bread, cereal, milk, yoghurt, most of it has added vitamins and minerals, and if they didn't eat it or have supps, they'd probably have deficiencies. How is food so lacking these days? Well, I know how it's so lacking, that was a bit rhetorical. So for the next month before Evie goes for a retest, I'm looking at the iron levels in everything she eats. If I want to do this purely by diet and not long term supplementation, I need to know how much extra she needs to keep her levels up. I don't want the poor thing testing all the time, bless!!! Oh, I also found out that B12 isn't always passed on via breastmilk. Evie has a supp with B12 in it but she's not had it for very long, so I hope that none of the anaemia is pernicious anaemia, though it's possible. That's not really a concern though as she's on B12 now. So that's the Evie story. We've had a great day today -- made some dandelion pollen chocolates, did some gardening, tidied up, played, bought all the organic raw food in the church of Tescos and then danced to some music. A lovely day, and I'm so glad I got to spend it with the most precious person in my world. Thank you So all that remains to be said on the subject of Evie is a massive thank you for the emails, texts and cards from all of you. It made such a difference. I'll show them all to Evie when she's a grown up, and she'll be fascinated by how much people that you don't know can love you. Food of Life Festival a one day celebration of all things raw and beautiful! Sunday June 4th 2006 The Old Market Hall, Hove 10.30am - 5pm £2 entrance 8 great presenters Kate Wood Shazzie Mike Nash Steve Charter Holly Paige Phil Grist Angela Stokes Julie ( Siridatta)- kundalini yogini who will give 'Wake up and Roar' dynamic yoga sessions.... Lots for kids Raw Kid's Candy Bar Puppet show from the Teensy Weensy Theatre: Little Red Riding Hood in the Broccoli Forest Steve, the clown Loads of stalls -- All about Raw and Eco-Healthy Permaculture Local Growers Hemp Choco Paradise 'Active Lightworks' offers healing sessions in the Nookie Healing Haven downstairs * * * * * * * * * * * ^.^ * * * * * * * * * * * And in the evening, from 6.30pm, under a separate ticket... Evening Raw Feast Twin Crystal Bowl Healing Indian Music Chance to dance(DJ) For more details and to book: www.foodoflife.moonfruit.com | email sue Strange days indeed 3rd May -- Wow, today has been so normal that it's felt really really strange. It's funny how you forget about the normal things you do when you have emergency baby situation going on. Me and Evie had a lovely bath, and ate chocolate pudding (with Vita-Mixed extra parsley for the iron amongst lots of other stuff). This is how it goes: "Do you want some pudding?" "No no" (and shakes head). "Booba. Baboo." Sucks booboo, gets nothing out as she only had some 5 mins earlier. Looks at pudding. Grabs spoon, feeds me several mouthfuls and then decides to have some herself because it's clearly not been poisoned as mother is still alive. A drink of water and some more pudding afterwards, she's happy. We do the whole process again about ten minutes later. She also delights in painting pudding all over my face, especially on my nose. Evie went back to nursery this afternoon. Normally, it's normal. This time all the little children in her room gathered round her, greeting her back in proddy snuggly ways. They couldn't keep away from her. It was so sweet. Then I worked my butt off for a few hours. Just finished around 5, thinking I'd relax for half an hour before getting Evie, and Mrs Lisa Renny knocks on the door with her son, and we hang out in the garden (Vera had previously told me it was 22 degrees, but I was too busy to sunbathe...) and have a catch up for 20 minutes before we all have to go. She didn't even have time to tell me about her honeymoon in Cuba. That's got to wait until her BBQ next Sunday. She's having a healthy BBQ, and everyone has to bring a healthy dish. Lisa's dead into raw food as well as not raw food, so is looking forward to our (me and Evie's) creations, which will of course be amazing. I may do some raw chocolates as I appear to be the only person in the UK with a raw chocolate powder stash (no, you can't share it, it's mine, all mine). Then I collected Evie, who'd had a really good day at nursery, and had enjoyed herself immensely. Can't help feeling that she must be bored of me (except for my booboos) after such a long time of just mumminess. Back home, we hung out in the garden and she ate her tea on the rebounder (good place to eat), until her dada came over. I then went off for a sauna and jacuzzi and then a yoga class -- my first in ages coz life's been so upside down. All of the above was normal a while ago yet today it just felt the opposite. It was weird not being with Evie. Weird getting stuck into work. Weird being in the sauna. Weird doing yoga. And now she's asleep. Weird. Happy birthday, Betsy Boo My cousin Karan's little girl is one today! Happy birthday, flower. Jatinder's in The Mirror 5th May -- Sadly no piccies on the web, and we missed the paper version coz it went to print earlier than they said it would, but take a look at Jatinder's article in The Daily Mirror. Jatinder is one of my best mates in the world, and she got a full centre-page spread on Raw Food Cured My Arthritis. Those of you who have my book Detox Your World will have seen her story in there, now over 3 million other people have seen it. How fab is that? And if you read why she got arthritis, isn't that another reason not to vaccinate? Summer's here Me and Skippy went out into Cambridge yesterday. While Evie played then slept we had a really long lunch at Don Pasquale's out in the sunshine. I never knew they had such great salads on the menu as I normally go to La Marg when I want Italian, but I got a massive plate of stuff -- including chicory which I've sorely missed since leaving Spain. It was fab. We then hung out in the park while Evie ran around naked and talking to the pigeons (yes, she made the quack quack noise). I have to admit, that every five minutes I went "I can't belive the weather". Summer is here, long live the summer. I even got a tan and look and feel much better for it. Then I came home, Evie wouldn't sleep as she's totally full of energy again, and then felt all empty when she did get to sleep. Wish I had some kind of amazing man in my life, but haven't so that's that. I hope Skippy starts to work for himself as I love the fact that we can hang out every now and then during the weekdays. Last time he got made redundant we used to hang out in Borders all the time (some may think that's sad, but we love being surrounded by books). So this time it's good timing with the change in weather. Am actively encouraging him not to find gainful employment, he's too good for that. Though I do periodically go "please work for me" and he always goes "no". Hmpfh. Deep and meaningful 6th May -- Been having lots of deep and meaningfuls with myself over the last 48 hours. Mostly spurred on by what happened with Evie. I was in shock until at least this Thursday, then it hit me. Women are so great at getting to WCS (worst case scenario) in three easy moves. Mine was many variations on: "Blimey, what if Evie's lung had collapsed, what if she'd died under anaesthetic, I'd have to go live in a cave or become a wino on the street. I could never carry on." But the reality is that *thankfully* she's made a full recovery and is more full of beans than ever (quite literally as she's been chomping on a few sprouted aduki beans this week). She didn't got to bed til 9.30 last night, so is very very well indeed. WCS thoughts were allowed to subside, and then I got to thinking about my life, what I'm doing and where I'm going.... For me, having Evie was like the end of one book and the beginning of another. I stopped being so driven by work and I really really enjoyed being a mummy and all that it entailed. I never for one second have enjoyed being a single mum, though, and I've also not enjoyed having my family live a fair distance from me. I've found the lack of physical support very very tough at times. Matt's been great with Evie and our families do what they can, but as no-one lives "just round the corner", I've never had that "could you just look after Evie for 5 minutes" thing. I've had to choose to pay for it by putting her in a nursery for 9 hours a week. I don't begrudge the money, it's the vibe that I'm not into. Children deserve more than just living with Mummy!!! It's not fair on her, and I see it affecting her more each day, and it totally breaks my heart. I'm just not prepared to move closer to Matt or my parents as neither option would work for me. I love living in Cambridge for many reasons, and this feels like home more than anywhere else: I've been here since I was 9. Hull doesn't feel like home, though I've got a million rellies there. Every other person in Hull is a Holdstock! In fact, I've only been in this house a year, I don't want to move again yet, nost just for the sake of it, coz I don't think that will resolve what's going on!!! So all this is going round and round in Shazziebrain, and getting nowhere. It's all beginning to feel like I'm on a carousel that's got distorted in a bad dream. I need to take time out. It's not looking like a holiday abroad is likely now, because tis a bit hot for Evie, so I've decided to go stay in Brighton for a few days spanning the Food of Life Festie. I have to go down there anyway, so I'm booking a hotel and will hang out with Evie on the beach and visit Kate and drink green juice and all those things. I just need time away and time out to stop thinking and let all this go. I feel as guilty as hell about Evie not having the life I believe she deserves. And I know I have to let that go, coz feeling guilty can't change it. Letting it go, breathing and allowing freshness in may give me the inspiration I need to get this all sorted. God, I don't even know if I've made any sense at all with all that I've just written. Feels so weird... Woke up this morning in such a great mood, Evie snuggling up to me. When Matt came over I went to have a sauna but fell asleep by the pool. I think after all that's gone on over the past fortnight with Evie and then working madly through the night to catch up on what I've missed, I've exhausted myself again. Must stop doing that! Anyway, I've decided... as of tomorrow, we're going to chill out a bit more, do less and enjoy the garden and more simple pleasures for a while. Am going to start spoiling myself for a bit, coz after such an intense mothering time when Evie was ill, I do believe I deserve it! Lots of love to all x Loved myself better 7th May -- Oh, I feel sooo much better about things today. Fasted for half a day yesterday and ate light today (can't fast coz of breastfeeding). Had lots of DHA and some vitamin tablets, and a long bath (with Evie!!), wrote loads in my (private, not this one) journal and went to bed at about 9pm last night. Today, Evie woke me up at 5.30 (was I glad I went to bed early!), and then got back to sleep about 9am, so I took the opportunity to ring Jatinder. We nattered for about an hour and a half and I so felt her love. Decided to defo go stay with her when I get Evie's passport back, it won't be too hot, I think I was putting objections in my way. Anyway, when Evie woke up we hung out in my bedroom listening to one of Uri Geller's inspirational CDs that he gave me. I listen to it when I need a lift, and it always always works. It's just him reading his fave quotes from other people. Later on, me and Evie went off to Tescos and we bumped into Chef which was a surprise because he doesn't live in Cambridge anymore. We went for a cuppa and a natter while Evie learned how to quietly put a saucer on the floor, after much clanging. There was a little girl in the Tesco restaurant with chips, roast beef and baked beans and Evie was making her "arrra" (I want food) noise at her, and I didn't know if it was coz she's hungry or coz she keeps seeing people put golden food in their mouths and she's not allowed it. Anyway, I fed her in the car on the way to this kid's fun place. Turns out everyone and their neighbour take their kids to this fun place (it was my first time, but Matt's taken her before) and there was this massive queue, and they were waiting for people to leave before anyone else could get in. I waited for a few minutes but the queue didn't move and there were loads of boys running round with fake guns and I just didn't like the vibe, so we went home and played in the rain in the front garden. Much nicer. Evie's had a nori roll obsession all week. I get a whole nori sheet (black, untoasted) and mash up half an avocado, a Seagreens capsule, some Blue Manna, a bit of broccoli, and some parsley (for the massive iron content), then I put it in the nori, roll it up and cut it into 4s. She totally loves it, and even goes to sit at her table coz it looks like "proper food" (like it's made up, and not just a piece of this or that). And she ate three Seagreens capsules the other day, she munches into them and enjoys the powder. Hmmmm... Anyway, point of this post is that I'm feeling back to my old cheery self now. Glad I can recognise the symptoms and quickly nip it in the bud. It's not like me to feel I've got all these problems and no solutions as I'm a major problem solver. Sometimes you just let your head take over, don't you? Anyway, am now giving thanks to all that I do have, including one very beautiful, healthy and smiley little girl. It's much better to count your blessings, eh... The thing that was making me feel sick Do you remember about a month back, I was saying that I'd been feeling sick for ages? I'd cut out all superfoods from my diet and was basically living on a really restricted diet in order to work out what it was. Well, I thought I found out so I experimented on myself and low and behold... It was raw cashew butter!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I was having a smoothie a day with a tiny teaspoon in it, and that was keeping me feeling really grim. I only worked it out when I made a cheezecake for mutha's day and the only two items in there that were anything out of the ordinary were raw cacao butter and the cashew butter (a new jar, not my jar). I was as sick as a dog after eating this, and Evie puked up, too. My dad had more cashew butter the next day and spent two days throwing up. My mum had it and wasn't at all affected, so it's not 100% certain that it'll affect you. Well, I've since asked around my friends and they've also felt this, and some couldn't put it down to anything, some had already worked out what it was. So, I took an executive decision to stop selling it. If it was just me, then I'd continue selling it, but I'm not having my customers get ill just for the sake of some ground nuts. Anyway, you can make your own raw cashew butter with a masticating juicer, so all's not lost. So, if you have a jar of this raw cashew butter, and have been feeling sick lately, throw it away! Jatinder update!! 8th May -- Jatinder emailed me a copy of her raw food article in The Daily Mirror, so you can see the picture and everything here. How lovely! If you're inspired by her story and want to contact her for a consultation or other, here are her details: TastyMango Centre P.O. Box 77 Benalmadena Pueblo Malaga 29639 email: jatinder@tastymango.com Holiday time!!! Evie is all better now and has got new fat cheeks 9th May -- Oh, how excited am I? Am picturing lovely hot days and me and Evie paddling in the sea... I booked my appartment yesterday for when I go stay in Brighton. God, actually can't believe the price, it's £700 for a week!!! There's totally no wonder people go abroad, you can get a flight and a five star hotel in Ibiza for that, and still have spending money. Er, but the reality is, I actually can't as I don't have a passport for Evie, so I've done this. We deserve it after all we've been through in the last couple of weeks. I so want her to have a holiday. Am gonna hang out with Kate and Angela Stokes and shop at Infinity and wander around the boutiques and try on expensive dresses and then buy some green juice, and Evie will drink most of it and then I'll have to buy some more. And me and Kate are gonna have a party at the appartment on Friday, but I'll have to borrow her mates as I've not got many in that neck of the woods... It's fab. Actually, the appartment I wanted was booked, and it was SO perfect and gorgeous, but I've got one in the same street, just a stone's throw from the beach and ten mins from town. Can't wait. But I can. And then... when I get back, I'll have Evie's passport and will book my long awaited return to El Sud De Espana. Wonder how it'll feel, considering that I did a moonlight flit (actually it was a dawn flit, but that don't sound so good) to get out of there a few years ago? Can't wait to see Jatinder again. May stay for a few weeks. No reason to be in Blighty, as I can work from anywhere with the 10 mins a day that I do. It'll be so good hanging with a raw family, and my favourite raw family in the world, too. Malaga, here I come! Oh, and I'm off to Brighton before the festie for Kate's boy's birthday, Zachary. Evie's company was specifically requested along with Maya (James and Anna's angel). I think Zak has harem ideas in his head. So all this talk of holidays isn't making me want to work. Evie's gran's coming over today so I get a couple of hours to do something other than play tea sets. Might sort out my spare room and organise my new sideboards. I love my new sideboards, they've transformed my lounge. Just would like a new carpet but won't get one til I've got enough money for new car and Evie's stopped hurling food everywhere. Oh, am busy starting up a trade association for UK superfoods. It's born out of necessity to keep all the people who sell the best superfoods on the planet in the UK loving each other -- encouraging co-operation not competition. So been doing that on the side. On the side of what, I'm not sure. Like extra baked beans or something. And am creating some amazing new products, five of them. They'll blow you away, and will be like the best thing you've eaten in all your life. Just you wait. I think you may notice by my enthusiasm that I'm over Evie being ill. I've worked really hard on working through it consciously (without resorting to champagne to supress my emotions!!)... My conclusion is as always when I remember: I can't control any external forces, and never will be able to. But I can control my reaction and emotions to them. So I'm all of a sudden happy to be a single mum, happy that Evie has me as her main influence, VERY happy that Evie didn't lose a lung and ecstatic that we're going on holiday, just me and my poppet, coz that's the sum total of what I am right now. Sorted 13th May -- What a week. I had a meeting with Jo about the work she's going to be doing for me. Am very excited about that, and we've already got cracking on it. Then we went to London for a very important meeting. I can probably talk about that in a month, but something else happened in the meeting. What can I say? I know I'm a slave to the cacao gods, but that was ridiculous. Anyway, all will be revealed in time. Wow. It's very very big news, and it's real and it's happening in the UK. Wow. So between those two important "kick offs" I've been feeling much more betterer. I'm gradually finding ways of dealing with my workload without it compromising my time with Evie. It seems to be a case of delegation, delegation, delegation, and talking on my mobile while out walking... It's interesting to see how you can run a business that's getting really big really quickly and be a full-time single mother. I guess at times I've felt really overwhelmed by it all, but right now I'm running on Superbeing Energy, and have manifested so much this week I can't actually believe it myself. Am getting very very good at it! Oh, and I'm half-way to saving up for my new car, so come September, at this rate, I'll have enough and won't need to borrow from the business, which is always good news! Right, am off out tonight for Louise's birthday. Going to a restaurant I've never been to before, so hope they do salads, otherwise I'll be just a sipping. Which I'm quite happy to do at the moment, am not really into eating right now. Oh, Evie's nori obsession has subsided, and she's now big time into raw cashews, which she puts in my mouth and makes me chew them and then sucks them out. Actually, I'd much rather that than she inhaled another nut. No, no, no.... Goodbye Uncle Geoff It's never easy, is it? My dad's best old mate, Uncle Geoff (one of those you call uncle but isn't, and his wife, Auntie Janet is my godmother)... he died this week. We expected it, but it's still all horrid in my tummy. I can't imagine what Auntie Janet's going through, for so many reasons, but I do send the whole family all my love. Bless them. Bless them. My radio interview 16th May -- Wow, the radio interview I did a few weeks ago is now out. It's so lovely doing interviews with people who are ethical and full of integrity. Big kudos to Steve, the guy who runs Raw Vegan Radio, as he did a stunning job on it... Check it out here. Am currently at my office in Yarmouth, doing all these technical things that I wish someone else would do... And Evie took my mobile for a swin last night so until I get my new one in a few days I'm totally lost. Nice being lost sometimes, though. I've been fizzing 17th May -- I don't need to be told that I'm got to experience a big life change, I can feel it. I don't know if it's a house move, but if it's not, it's something as dramatic. I can feel it. I'm fizzing. You wouldn't believe how much I'm fizzing. I've lived in over 30 houses in my life, that's just short of one a year. Even when I had my last house, I lived in 5 other houses while I owned it. I don't know what my house karma is, as it's not something I've spent time thinking about (not like my family karma and my relationship karma which I've really spent a lot of time working out) -- but I clearly do have house karma. So this fizzing -- I feel that it may be house stuff, though it may just be something else massive. I don't know. I'll see soon enough, I guess. Anyway, took Evie to the beach today, and we bought a bucket and spade and made a great big castle with a moat. Like my dream house! God, there it is again, house stuff... So, we're on the beach and the beach energy is shooting up my legs through my feet like nothing on earth. It's so strong that I feel like I'm being pulled into the sand. Evie's nagging me to go onto the prom and I'm like "Evie, mummy can't actually move at the moment" and I couldn't actually move at that moment. I was glued, pulled, sucked and stuck. The beach was totally nattering something to me via my soles. Now am back home and Matt came over tonight to play with Evie. I so wanted to go to yoga, but also just wanted to deal with all the emotions of the past week. Uncle Geoff, my mum's face when she came back from the funeral, me not being able to sort my software issues out yet again (something I attempt each time I go to the office), new staff interviews, Ralph being in hozzie with a kidney stone and everything. And I'm laying on my bed, almost laughing, almost crying, then really crying. And I realised that it's OK to cry and to laugh and to feel. It's OK to have all these emotions all at once because life is that complex that nothing's ever just one thing or another, it's often everything. And me eating raw food doesn't stop other people dying or getting ill. So Uncle Geoff dying was interrupted by Evie counting to three for the first time. So Ralph being in hozzie was interrupted by us getting this fab new product in direct from the growers in Peru which will be a goddess send to most of you who are reading this. So us not finding the perfect new member of staff was interrupted by this lovely girl just walking in going "is that job still open?". So I laughed, I really laughed. And I cried, I really cried. I didn't feel sad or happy, I just felt. And something came to me. Of course it's OK and of course it's possible and of course it'll happen because I'm everything and I'm nothing. All that is exists in me, and all that isn't. That's why I can feel everything for everyone. Even those who claim to "hate me" (there are some). All I can feel is love and compassion. It doesn't mean I can talk to them, but I do feel for their situations, because ultimately, their situations are mine. It's all mine. Everything. The same as it's all yours, and you're all me and I'm all you. And you can cry for me, I can cry for you and we can all laugh for each other, too. Sometimes I cry And it's OK, because I'm also laughing. I'm doing this because I'm living. I'm just living. Then I had a bath to wash it all away. Now I'm ready to go to bed, snuggle Evie and live for another beautifully complex day. Am wishing the same for you. Advert from Auntie Beeb Does food control your life? 80% of the British population has some sort of controlling issue with food - making mealtimes a nightmare. The BBC are making a brand new documentary series about people with psychological eating problems. The six-part series for BBC3 will follow people whose relationship with food has a negative impact on their lives. The show will not be looking at eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia, but more typically at people who severely limit the types of food they eat. So far, the sorts of people our research has found include a man who only eats spaghetti hoops on toast, a woman who liquidizes all her food, and a man who carries around a bottle of tomato ketchup and pours it all over every meal. Over 5 weeks, they will work closely with leading health professionals to explore their relationship with food and attempt to find a realistic and lasting solution to their eating problems. If you, or someone you know needs to come out about their food obsession, and would benefit from one to one help, please call Hannah on 0207 290 0530 or email hannahl@bettytv.co.uk. Or look for more details on the BBC Three website, where you can find Food Controls My Life in the TV Programmes section! 19th May -- Blimey, where's the year going? Can't wait to have my holiday so I can stop and do nothing for a bit. Especially after me and Evie did the playing on the beach thing the other day. I want to do more of that! I've had a great response to my radio interview, ta to all who have emailed their comments. Steve, the radio guy would love comments on his web site, too, if you'd be so kind to oblige ;-) Phone karma Evie decided to bathe my mobile the other day when I was at my mum's. I didn't see that she was doing this as I was washing my eyes at the time. Great timing, flower. Anyway, had to get a new one a Nokia 6111, and it's so hard to text on it. I don't like texting at the best of times but this is v ridiculous. And there's nowhere sensible to put a Phone Dome on, so am currently frying my brain. And Matt's phoned up Lexus asking for a list of Bluetooth compatible phones for my new car. I knew my old phone was compatible but don't know about this one. Bless him! And I lost a load of phone numbers. Still have Uri Geller's but obviously I don't ring it, I just think it's funny to have it in my phone, like he could spoon bend down my mobile for me! Church of Tesco rant So the Church of Tesco have made a decision. They've integrated all the organic food with the non-organic food. For one, if they weren't a supermarket, this'd be illegal (you should see how we have to separate all our organic food to avoid cross-contamination, but supermarkets, due to their power are exempt from this). For two, if you're following my rant, they've put all the organic stuff on the top shelves. So you look at a row of tomatoes, and then above it is a row of organic tomatoes, and you have to stand on your toes to reach into the box that they're in. Imagine doing this for EVERY food item you're buying. It's OK every now and then, but it's a pain in the butt to do it for your whole shop. For three, it used to take me 15 minutes to do my shop. All the organic fruit and veg was in one place, you could see at a glance what there was and you could pick it up and buy it. Now, you have to wander around aimlessly looking at absolutely every item in the several aisles of fruit and veg to try to spot an organic version. If you're lucky, they have it and you can reach up and grab it, if not, you have to scan the next aisle. It took me 90 minutes the other day to do my shopping! And it's not a case of getting used to it, it's a case of The Church of Tesco introducing a new doctrine that its followers must obey even though it gives them a crick in their neck and less time to play with their little uns. Blimey. Hope they alter it back again. National breastfeeding awareness week 20th May -- Today is the last day of this very special week. Here's my contribution: My baby deserves the best That's why she gets my breast From a moo cow we won't steal Her poor little baby's meal We know it feels really right To feed all through the night That's why we love to cuddle Til our clothes get in a muddle Discreet is a word we don't know My booboos are always on show Because that makes Evie smile Which makes it all so worthwhile Happy National Breastfeeding Awareness Week! Love Shazzie and Evie x Gimme gimme 22nd May -- Golly gosh, I just don't know where all this energy I have is coming from right now... ever since I connected and grounded myself at the beach last week I've felt totally amazing. Like energy is zooming through me and I can feel it coming out of my hands, and my third eye's going round all of the time. I feel wonderful. Obviously this is having a knock on effect with my life, and I've been making tonnes of treats for Evie and me, organising my business, organising my house, doing tonnes more yoga than normal and doing lots of stuff I normally "don't have time for". Hope it stays with me, I'm loving it, and it's total on-side energy, not like sometimes you get a weird energy and you're like "here we go again", this one's like "Ooooh, gimme more". Lovely. Life feels very beautiful right now. Very beautiful. In all honesty, I don't think I every remember feeling this well on every level, ever. Am not sure if it can all be down to the beach... I am doing one thing different -- having massive amounts of this new aloe vera product. I wonder if it could be that? I honestly feel electric... Goodbye Miss La La Oh, my lovely Becky's leaving us, after only a few short months. She's got the travel bug (we did think this might happen), and will be going off to very exciting places. Thankfully we had two people we wanted to offer the recent job opening to, so we can take them both on, one to replace Becks and the other one to help my mum cope with all her stuff. Will be sad to see Miss La La go, though, as will our customers coz they love her. Buckwheat Evie's now obsessed with eating soaked buckwheat. I was going to sprout and dehydrate it for her as a little snack but I've got none left, she's eaten the whole bowl throughout today. Anyway, I've just put more in soak and there's plenty to do lots with tomorrow. Thought I'd make a nice muesli for us both out of it, too. Obviously with more things in it than that! Am just in the mood for a bit of muesli, though, with some ice cold almond mylk. I think I'll get onto that this week. Actually, it's so nice being home for a good chunk of time, as I'm normally flitting off all over the place. Won't be going anywhere now til my hols so should get the house sorted out a bit more. Still filling up my new sideboards. Made some nice art for my lounge the other day, too. Radio interview update Oh, the viewing figures for my radio interview are great, thanks to you guys! We've already had around a thousand people listen to it. If you're not one of them, then be one, now! Evie's passport How can one form be so difficult? I got Evie's passport returned (even though I did the Check and Send service!!!). They said the countersigning person didn't meet requirements, and I had to fill in a whole new form. It took me three months to fill in the last one so I ranted a bit, then rang them and asked why. Oh, it's so silly, the form's not clear at all (which she agreed with), and she said she'd accept a letter with the extra bit of information in it, so I don't have to fill in a whole new form and wither up with boredom which is what forms do to me. What a mare. So, am very glad I didn't book our ticket to Spain before I got the passport back! Do you know, I'm sure it never used to be this hard to fill a passport form in. I honestly got all sweaty and panicky about it every time I sat down to do a section of it. Phew 23rd May -- Finally, after a whole year of trying to integrate some software, we've finally done it. My goodness, it's been tough. I just don't know how small companies do this, as it was really hard for us and I've worked with techies for 10 years and know how to work through bugs and I couldn't do it. But now it's resolved and it's going to free up so much time for my team as now we don't need anyone to input the customer orders manually. Fab. So pleased. Went to the park today and there's this bloke there with his two kids. We get chatting. He gives me a leaflet for a kundalini thing going on in Cambridge. It happens to be on a Wednesday evening when Matt's here and I normally get to go to yoga. I'll check it out tomorrow. Something wonderful is conspiring towards me right now, everything is slotting into place. Everything. I think it's partly to do with the affirmations I've been giving myself... all the negative stuff I have stored in my head (and there's actually not much but the stuff that is there obviously affects me as it would anyone) -- it's dissolving, everything's coming right, sorting itself out. So when I'm all like "Oh, I go to the park and there's no-one there" now I'm all like "Oh, I go to the park and this guy gives me details of a kundalini thing that I can go to, and he has kids Evie's age that she can play with!" Great, kids in Cambridge that don't eat Billy Bear luncheon meat. Funny actually, as the kids were really touching Evie loads. She's normally the full on one (yeah, with a mum like me??!), but they were so staring her out. Great. Bring it on. And... just before we went to the park we were at the Church of Tescos and I was again grumbling loudly at the organic veg reshuffling kerfuffle. Then this woman in a wheelchair selected some food. I thought... my god, I'm short and it's difficult for me to get my organic veg now they've done this daft thing, but what about people in wheelchairs? No consideration at all. You should have seen me trying to reach the avocados. You really just don't want to stick your hand blindly into a box and pull the contents out. There could be a spider in there. OR a ladybird (no, really... no!). You just don't expect to have to do all your shopping as if you're a giraffe, do you? Will have to wear platforms next time I go. Or tin cans with string, do you remember doing that as a kid, walking round with tin cans and string? Better than blimming Playstations. Anyway. Made raw lentil caserole and cheeze sauce for tea tonight. Hope Evie will eat it, too. On the cards 25th May -- Oooh, went to that meditation thing last night, it was OK, but as I only have 2.5 hours off a week, I'd rather go to yoga, so I'll not go again. Plus there were only 3 other people there and it was all a bit old libraryish, if you get me. Anyway, there was a Mind Body Spirit thang going on in the room next door so I went and had a look afterwards. I had my cards read (must interject here -- every time I've had them read before, they've been very very inaccurate to the point of them being totally the opposite). Anyway, I really liked the woman doing my cards, which helps. OH MY GODDESS!!! I'm in for one year. And I'm not saying what, coz I'm shocked, I'm almost frozen with what she told me. Something I didn't expect, I have to say. We'll see. Something I will say, she said that my dad's dad was with me all the time she did the cards, and she goes "Why is he holding me some flowers. Gladioli, no a lily, a big long lily.". Well, my dad's dad's first wife was called Lilly, but also on Sunday just gone I went to a very sad memorial service and her name was Lily, too. They're not related, though, so I think he was referring to his wife. And, I'm going to move in March next year to a bigger house! A bigger house than this one!! It'll be in the country, and I'll spend a lot more time in nature, she saw me picking wild flowers and herbs. And, she said I'm going to me really sociable this year, my business will expand beyond recognition, my dad will take over a lot of it at the end of the year. She's like "You're going to be so successful". And she goes "Who's Charlie?" That's my nephew. She told me a bit about him. And she's like "why don't you do cards or readings for a living, you could" and I'm like "Er, in what spare minute of the day?" She went on about my goddess earth energy, and said some stuff about Evie. And then she told me a load of personal stuff that's made me reel a bit. Oooh. Choccie brownies I made the best choccie brownies yesterday. You really wouldn't know they were raw. So juicy, and lovely. And weird -- Evie doesn't like them, so I'm eating them all and that's not good as I'm on a "I want to look fit on the beach" diet until my holiday. Let's do the timewarp 26th May -- Ooooh, me and Skippy and Evie had such a great day out today. And we had a time warp. We went of for lunch when Evie was asleep (in between me shopping for holiday clothes) and when she woke up I went "let's nip to the market to get Evie some fruit", and Skippy goes "You might not make it, it's 5.30" and we honestly thought it was about 3pm. And the sun had come out -- it was blazing hot. Anyway, I got Evie some yummy raspberries (a word she can now say -- "ahkdf;azzzbuuury") and we went off to a grassy knoll and sat there til just gone 7pm. Evie played loads and bounced up and down on Skippy. I did a bit of yoga, and some dogs came along and Evie picked some grass to give to them as a pressie. Evie is currently into giving daisies to everyone, but I think she thought the dogs were ducks (she feeds the ducks grass, which they don't eat coz they're bread addicts). Ah, my little flower child. So, I got a load of new clothes for my holiday, so I can stroll up and down the prom like in the olden days. Might need a parasol for Evie's pushchair... And Joe's coming to visit on my hols!! How fab. We'll have a wonderful catch up, I'm sure. And my parents are coming to the festie that I'm talking at, and are partying in the evening. Mutha's right into partying at the moment, I think she's going through her second teenagehood. She'll be texting her mates and drinking Red Bull soon. So, as my mum and dad are down for a couple of nights, I'll have a built in babysitter if I can get to go out anywhere. Fab. Right, must live in the moment and not think about my holiday so much -- pretty tough when I'm so desparate for a break and haven't had one in like 3 years. But will not get back to now. Am going to do an algae detox thing tomorrow (ready for my holiday, but I'm not talking about that!). Ah, today was blissful -- here's to the best bank holiday -- sun sun sun. And a pot luck on Sunday. Think I may go watch BB7 for a bit, Bonnie's just been evicted. Here's to Pete winning -- he's beautiful inside and out and so funny and cute! Big hugs to all of you -- hope you get some sunshine! xxxxxx The woman who knows about food 27th May -- Oh, forgot to mention that we went to see the hozzie dietitian yesterday, before I went into town for lunch and shopping. The mind boggles. She was a lovely lady, but I really didn't understand some of the things she said... First of all we were going back because we'd been told Evie's blood would be retested for iron. This other doctor said that wasn't the case and I'd have to go see my GP for that. We were apparently there to discuss Evie's diet. There was a box of toys. The dietitian say "Oh, look Evie, pizza" at this pizza toy thing. Evie hasn't a clue what a pizza is. In fact, I technically don't either. I went vegan before pizzas became common in the UK, and I've never had a pizza with cheese. It'd have been nicer to see some plastic apples in the box!! "Is Evie a vegetarian?" "She's a vegan, but she has my milk so I guess that's like a vegetarian isn't it?" "Does she have eggs?" "No". "And she doesn't have any milk?" "Yes, she has my milk" "But she doesn't have any other milk?" "She has my milk. She doesn't have cow milk." At this point, I'm thinking "Er, why is she not getting that my milk is the real milk that she's designed to have, and cow milk is a majorly inferior substitute designed for big animals with small brains?" But I didn't say anything. We talked about some stuff then she goes "Does she have soya milk?" "No, I don't think it's healthy" "<Gasp.>" "Well, it's full of phyto oestrogens, isn't it? That's not good for a child, is it?" "Errr... What about rice milk?" "But she gets full access to breastmilk, why are you wanting her to have something else?" "For the calcium." "There's calcium in rice milk?" "Yes." "Is there? Or is it supplemented in there?" "It's supplemented in there." "Well if we think she's not getting enough calcium, I'll supplement her normal food with it instead of giving her fake milk." "You could flavour it with Nesquick or... you wouldn't do that, would you?" Er, why would I pile a sugar-filled load of nonsense in some fake milk just because it's fortified with calcium? I'll just give her the calcium supplement. Much cleaner. Why is a dietitian recommending Nesquick? So then she was weighed and measured. She'd lost loads of weight when she was ill, and had put it all back on. She's now 83cm, which is just under the 50 percentile line. "She's just below average on both, so that's pretty good." "But that's a bottle-fed baby chart, isn't it" (I think she really loved me at this point...) "Yes, the breastfed charts don't come in for a while yet." (If you don't know the hoo-ha about this, then check this out) "So she's probably not just below average, is she?" "Well, no. she seems to be doing really well. Bottle fed babies are bigger. Yes, she's doing good. But the new breastfeeding charts only go up to a year." Really -- the new charts go up to a year, then toddlers and older kids are suddenly measured against children that were bottle-fed as babies. Won't this make them look like their growth has slowed, jumping from one chart to another? Hmmmm. Then we talked about good sources of iron. She asked if I'd received the sheet that the other dietitian had sent us. I said I had but it wasn't much use because it didn't take into account the iron inhibitors in those foods. I said I was making her a meal a day that had a lot of parsley in it (two sprigs give the RDA of iron for a child Evie's age), and keeping it away from foods high in known iron inhibitors. I said I'd like to get her on a permanent supplement for iron, and we discussed brands. I'm going to find out more about the Water Oz one as that's my preferred choice as there's nothing else in it but iron and water. She said she'd be happy to look over the information on the Water Oz iron for me. She also suggested I do one week with the supplement and one week without, so Evie doesn't get too much build up. Iron overdosing can be fatal. That was all useful. She asked me to list a typical day of Evie's diet. I'd written the day before's diet down and reeled that off to her, in no particular order. She said she'd be able to get it analysed and give me a rough estimate of what's going on in there. I asked how would they count the breastmilk as we don't know how much she gets. "We won't include the breastmilk" "So it won't be very accurate, will it?" If she was drinking cow milk, they'd include it, but not the breastmilk, not the milk she's designed to have. "Does she drink for a long time" "No, only about five minutes." She's probably not getting many nutrients, then. It's if she drinks for 20-30 minutes that she'll get the hind milk" "She drinks me dry every time, so she's getting all that's there. Doesn't the milk change with the age of the baby? Doesn't it become more nutrient dense?" "Er, I think it does." Blimey (at this point, very blimey, and I bet she thought the same!). The final thing I said was that I would like to get Evie's B12 tested as I've heard conflicting information about it being passed on via breastmilk (I have enough in a supplement, and I was supplementing Evie but the tablets have disappeared... cleaners move things!). Anyway, she said that she'd be OK as it's in cereal. I said that it wasn't and she said it was etc. I worked out again that she means that cereal is fortified with B12. I told her Evie's wasn't as I make hers for her. Eyes rolled heavenwards.. See, this is the thing... Evie's diet isn't causing her to not get these nutrients -- no-one in our society gets them naturally any more in the amounts required. There's not enough goodness in food any more, so it's all fortified and supplemented, and people eat those foods and don't need to supplement themselves. I'd much rather give her a good quality supplement for those few nutrients that are harder to find, than resort to giving her Coco-Pops with soya milk or whatever. So I've done everything the hozzie asked. Evie's had a month on a horrible sugary supplement, and I'll now put her on a natural one. I'll check out her calcium intake and supplement that if necessary. I'll get her tested at the docs (and will probably get nagged for not having her injected with poison). Then hopefully that'll be the end of it. And then I'll have no more Evie traumas, I've told her so!! Tarot update Forgot to say that when I had my cards read the other day, she goes "Is there an issue with anaemia at the moment?" Very apt. Also, been thinking about the personal stuff she told me and have decided I could handle it one of two ways: self fulfilling prophecy or forewarned is forearmed. Have decided muchly on the latter, as I really don't want what she said will happen to happen, so am forearming as of now. I'll stop being so cryptic when the time has passed for this thing to supposedly happen. Maybe it's a good job I went, so I knew to watch my back... The woman with the anti-ageing disease Had a lovely natter with Jatinder today. She told me the other day that since she's been in The Mirror she's been the talk of her pueblo. They're saying "There goes that woman with a disease that stops her ageing". They really can't believe it's raw food that's doing that to her! She's been plannning our days when I go to Spain, we're gonna go saunaing while Derek looks after the kids. Fab. Love saunaing, and had a really long one yesterday -- skin feels wonderful. Farewell pot lucks 28th May -- Just had a lovely pot luck, we all sat in the garden, a new girl came, and Dave brought durian. He said there was some in Cambridge so me and John went off to get some more. Cleverly, I decided to take a short cut, got lost and we were 1.5 hours. Very cleverly, I bought three durians and am gonna feast on them. Well, I shared one, I'll feast on the others. Evie did love hers, too. Anyway... I've decided to not have any more pot lucks. It's just too dificult with Evie, if she doesn't sleep mid-morning, I can't organise it, make food, get the stuff on the stall out and all that. I just can't do it. Today was an example of that, she didn't sleep at all, and was grouchy coz she didn't sleep. Not good, so I thought I'm not doing them again, it's a sign. So I'll still do the beach one in July, and maybe put a few special ones on here and there, but can't do it monthly. Well, that'll create space for something else in my life... trainspotting and weak lemon tea? So as Evie's asleep so early tonight, I think I'll go start to tidy up the pot luck mess, then fawn over one of my durians. Mmmmmmmm. Mmm. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts 31st May -- Well, a wall, actually. A wall of coconuts. How very exciting! If you've not heard of these, they're organic 100% raw coconut water in a carton. They're raw because they've not been pasteurised or UHTd. The bacteria that causes decay is filtered out, so it's a genuine 100% raw drink. And what's great for us in the UK is that they are organic. It's hell on legs trying to get even normal green coconuts, and I've never seen organic ones in the UK. So this is a real treat for raw fooders and those who like to eat food close to its natural state. The RRP is £2.45 (inc VAT, mad that we have to pay VAT on it, but we do), and we've worked out that we can give you a case full (12) for the cost of 11. This saves you a bit on the cost of the product, but it saves you lots on the cost of postage because of the way we cap it to £6.00 per shipment. And as they've got a long shelf life, it's well worth getting 12 or 24 in at a time, because then you'll always have them to hand, as well as save money! And speaking of... Went to get my boobs measured yesterday, coz I needed some new bras. Er, 32D!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I was like an AA before Evie, and didn't need to wear a bra. Never thought I'd be a D cup -- ever. Am gonna have to breastfeed for the rest of my life to keep them this way, aren't I?!! Anyway, I tried the 32Ds on and they didn't feel good, mostly because there's this weird bit of overhang under my arm pits. So we went for 34D and they looked lovely. The lady who fitted me was going on about how lovely Evie was and how good she is. She was helping them all organising the underwear (read, she was pulling it out of the box). Am off to yoga tonight, not that funny meditation thing. Didn't dig it much at all really. Sauna, jacuzzi, yoga. Fab. Next

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