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2005 -- March's snippets Of monks and men 20th March -- OK, so the real reason I've been a bit quiet recently... Me and Matt split up on Friday. We've tried everything to stay together for the sake of our little one, but ultimately it wasn't working and we were just making ourselves so unhappy trying to make it work. I suppose the Equinox energy helped us conclude it -- new beginnings and all that. It's been such beautiful weather and I was walking to Baby College when this Monk approached me -- you know the ones, they give you a book on yoga and ask for a donation. I've never liked being in Bedford, I suppose I'm so used to Cambridge and they are very different places with totally different vibes. Seeing this Monk, a very beautiful (but unattainable, just like gay men and Matt!) man, something switched inside me. What was I doing trying and trying and trying to stay in a relationship that's so dysfunctional, that's twisting me up, that's altering my perception, when I need to be around people who let light flow through them like this guy? I realised that there's no light in our lives together, and that we had to alter it there and then or to go our separate ways. Anyway, we couldn't alter it, and I won't go into the details, but we couldn't. And I couldn't go on as it was, I'm emotionally shot. So we split up. First I was relieved, though I obviously shouted a lot, I stayed out that night, saw Matt on Saturday night as I live in his house, and then cried when I went to bed. I'm not lonely as I have Evie, but I need to be comforted and the only person here to comfort me is Matt -- not the best solution. All this is great cosmic timing, as I sold my house 4 days before. So I'm technically homeless with a baby. As I write this I'm feeling down, but that's just the emotions coming out. I'm going to live with my mum and dad for a bit til I can get a new house, and I'll move back over to Cambridge way, and I'll get my life back. The hardest part is that I don't understand why it couldn't work between us, and thinking about the strains of being a homeless single mum. But... I do realise that being without Matt puts me in a great position to meet someone who can love me as I need to be loved. I can meet someone who I can grow with, who loves life and loves to experience things. I'm looking forward to that, though I'm in no rush. God, I know I say this every time, but this time I mean it -- I have to coz of Evie -- the next one will be The One. Whoever, wherever he is. He'll be bloody gorgeous on the inside and outside! Matt said to me last night "You're a free spirit trapped in a world full of prisoners". Maybe I am, but I believe that anyone who's trapped has their own key, they just can't remember where they left it. I wish the best for Matt and hope he finds his key. That'd make his little girl so happy. My papaya princess On a lighter note, we fed Evie her first meal last night. She had a bit of papaya mashed up with booboo milk. First she was like "What are you doing to me" and wouldn't eat it. Then I had a spoonful and before I could get it in my mouth she was wanting it, so she ate it, and then ate the whole lot! I felt so proud of her for loving her first meal, and thought about how she'll soon be a teenager. RIP Femi 21st March -- Heard the other day that a lovely guy called Femi (Jonathan Cole) died recently. There are many rumours surrounding his death, and I don't know or care what's true -- all I know is a big light went out on this planet when he went. But that's one more light for us to see in the night sky. Bless you, Femi, and all the lives you touched. Re me... I feel a bit stronger today. Don't feel as sick, and think I can get through the day OK with just me and Evie. Have been wondering how to raise enough to buy back into the housing market and it's not hit me yet ;-) Got a meeting with a financial advisor and my accountant's working on it. I just don't get numbers, never have. Very abstract things, they are. I'm so looking forward to getting back to a happy life. These past 18 months have been so very difficult, and I've said my favourite phrase "walking through treacle" so many times recently! Well, I'm about to soar again, so watch out!!! House about that 25th March -- OK, got mortgage approved, can now invest in lovely home for me and cherub. Went to see one yesterday that I love, so have put an offer in. Visualise with me that I have it, please! It's gorgeous, only 4 miles from Cambridge (in the village next to where I used to live!!), 4 bedrooms, a conservatory, and the loveliest feeling of love in there that I've felt in a house for a long time. Am so creating a great reality right now, so the house is mine. The heaviness I was feeling has totally flown. Had some crystal healing yesterday which really really helped, too. Now, visualise!! (please)... 30th March -- Oh! Didn't have time to write... Thanks so much all for helping me visualise this house. My offer got accepted on Saturday! We should be moved in in two months time. Am so excited. Finally moving back to my home town (well, Hull is, but I've been in Cambs since I was 9 so I do class this as my home). Finally back with friends. Finally will be able to live as I live and not do all that silly compromising stuff. Evie will have a garden and her own bedroom (like I can see her sleeping there, when there's a cozy mummy-for-snuggling next door!). I knew this was my home as soon as I saw it. Fab. Now, gotta go, am off with Jessie for one of her last days of freedom (her baby's due in about 3 weeks!). Have a lovely day, and thanks once again... Next

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