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2004 -- March's snippets Who am I? 3rd March -- 9.30am. My first night of unbroken sleep for as long as I can remember. Am blissfully happy in dreamland, when.... ring, ring. ring, ring. ring, ring. I fumble. The phone. I press something and croak. Most of the rest of the day I croaked, too. "Hello?" "Oh, hello, is that Michelle Naylor?" "No" (God! Who is this Michelle Naylor? For 5 years, ever since I've lived here, Michelle Naylor has been giving my phone number out as hers. For 5 years I've been getting calls for her from her kid's school...) "Oh. What number is that, then?" Now, at this point, I normally go all suspect and think "I'm not giving my number out to someone, you may be a stalker", but I knew it was just Michelle Naylor giving out my number as hers again, so in my sleepy haze I croaked my number. Or rather I thought I did. I actually croaked my mum's number which is actually nothing like mine. I'm not Shazzie anymore, I've morphed into Michelldenisenaylorholdsock. Ahhh! Dreaming is much more fun. So the woman proceeds to ask "Are you under a midwife's care?" Oh, this confused me even more. Maybe there was something wrong with my blood tests, and they've got my phone number right, but not my name. "Yes". "What's your name?" Agh!! Not Michelle... I croaked my name. "Oh, no, it's definitely not you we want..." Well why do you ring me, then? So we goodbyed and put the phone down. Two seconds later. ring, ring. "Hello" "Oh, that's not Michelle Naylor is it??" "No. It's me again, but I said this was my mum's number before. I was confused." Not half as confused as I am now. After five years of this, I'm beginning to think I am Michelle Naylor. Blimey! On the ball 4th March -- I got a birth ball off of ebay yesterday. Pumped it up and swept my office chair aside. Wow. Everyone should have one of these instead of a chair. Not only are they mega-comfy and keep your back in the right position, you just can't help wriggling on it, back and forth, side to side. It's like you exercise your thighs and hips all day, and you don't notice it. I swear when I woke up this morning my thighs felt tighter already. Anyway, so I have to be on the ball for the next few months to tone and condition all those birthing muscles. Then it makes the baby come out with no pain and in just over two hours. That's what I'm visualising, anyway;-) Can't believe when my mum had me and Jen she was only in labour for about 3.5 hours each. Jen wasn't with her boys, but they were massive 10lb turkeys. Mine will be 6.5lb because I'm little. Won't it...! Ebay Talking of ebay... wow. Did I say that I went off maternity clothes shopping with Skippy a few weeks ago? Was very despondent when I came back with armfuls of nothing. Mothercare had two racks of beige clothes. Next makes you order the clothes in, so there's nothing to try on. DP (Can't believe I even thought about it) had nothing, and they're supposed to have tonnes of stuff. So it appears that women in Cambridge don't have babies. Well, I did ask some of the shop assistants what people do and they said women wear baggy jogging bottoms and men's sweatshirts. Er, I don't want to look like a sack of spuds, I want to look like SJP! So I went home and checked out ebay, which I'd glanced at before. I couldn't believe it -- designer brand new maternity wear for upwards of 99p! So I got a whole new wardrobe for £150 -- couldn't do that in the shops. Probably just an outfit of beige would have cost that from Mothercare. Ah, I love the Internet! I'm so vein 12th March -- OK, so 2 nights ago I had a bit of difficulty getting to sleep. My boobs were aching more than normal. Managed it in the end, though. Anyway, in the morning, I noticed they were so much bigger than they were the day before. How this is possible, so quickly I don't know. So I was on the phone to my mum: "Mum, my boobs are massive." "Yes", she said. Having had 2 kids herself, she knows what happens, I suppose. So I get in the bath. As I'm standing up in the bath before getting in I look in the mirror. Staring back at me is a map of all the motorways in Britain, tattoo'd on my chest! Eugh! I knew your boobs went veiny in pregnancy, but overnight? So sudden! Arrghhh. Must cover mirror with picture of young glamorous nubile wench so I can (with my pregnancy brain) fool myself into thinking it's me. Or I could get over it and accept that's the way it is. Not so much fun, that one! And BLIMEY! Sleepless nights abound. Woke up about 3am this morning, couldn't breathe, felt generally odd and out of sorts. Laid in bed groaning. Got up to do some work at about 5.45. Ridiculous time to be awake. Was lovely hearing all the birds cheaping, though. Hope I can sleep tonight... Nip-drip 15th March -- Now, Matt won't like me writing about this. He's desperately trying to keep this image of the girl he met not so long ago in his head, and I keep pushing his boundaries a little bit here and there. He thought it odd enough that someone should drink their own pee, but I think I just found something that grossed him out even more. I was sunbathing in my house the other day. Ah, it was sooo sunny, but freezing outside, so I go into the front bedroom, strip off and lay in the square patch where the sun's beating down. Total bliss and put me in mind that I need a holiday. Anyway, I digress. So Tiny's enjoying his first in-utero sunbathing experience, and all's well. And I look down at my nipples, and there are these things, like dried eye-bogeys on them. So I picked them off, and my nipples started dripping! I was so excited!! I knew at around 5 months of pregnancy you got colostrum, and I'd warned Matt that it would happen any day, but I didn't know I'd feel so thrilled about it. I think it's because it just goes to show how perfect the body can be -- it's making food for my baby already. So, this was the bit that grossed Matt out. I tasted it -- it was a bit salty and a bit sweet, see-through and like the consistency of sap. Boob sap! So then I videoed it, drip drip dripping from me. Is that how you spell videoed?? Anyway, no matter. And I asked Matt if he wanted to see it, and he said "no". I couldn't understand it as I was so enthralled. So when Skippy came over for dinner last night I asked him if he wanted to see it, and oddly, he too said "no". I asked him if I'd reached a new level of disgustingness, and he said "No. Your mucoid plaque photos outgross that, because it's to do with bottoms". So, no-one wants to see my video... I'll just show Tiny it when he's old enough to understand. And when his dad's out of the house. My little big Tiny! Look at that cute nose!!! Tiny's not so tiny now 28th March -- On Wednesday (or something, it all merges into one now), me and Matt went for our second scan. Hmm. I'm not giving in to vaccinations, Matthew! Anyway, there he was, all laid there like a little chicken. He also looked like a turtle. I think he's a human, though, but I still keep having fantasies about having puppies... He was measured, his back was checked and his organs were looked at. His little beating heart. I saw inside my baby's heart, and I haven't even seen what he looks like yet. It's all a bit mad. Of course he wouldn't turn over off of his tummy for his profile to be checked, so we had to do a walk round the hozzie. If you've ever been to the Rosie at Cambridge, you'll probably know this, but to me it was so surreal. We followed these signs to the concourse, all inside the building, and somehow it joins on to Addenbrooke's main building. So all of a sudden, there's this like internal village, with a hairdressers, bank, building society, solicitors Burger King and all sorts. I half expected a pig to fly past carrying a spoon in its curly tail, whilst barking at the upside-down orange trees. Anyway, by the time we got there, it was time to go back, so we did that. When we got scanned again, Tiny had flipped over like good baby, and *snap* the piccie on the right was born. Awww. My little 'un... So, he's all great, growing perfectly, and I won't see him for another four months now. Hopefully. Oh, BTW, we still don't know it's a he. I told the woman I didn't want to know, so she goes "Well, sometimes you can't help but see". I averted my eyes. Next

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