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2004 -- July's snippets Friday 2nd July -- Been making a pint of juice for the last 3 mornings (and cleaning my juicer straight after!!). I've had apple, ginger, cuke, cabbage, celery, carrot. Mmmm. It's made me feel much better, and taken the swelling right out of my feet. I reckon I'll end up doing this every day from now on til the end of my pregnancy -- makes me feel much more human. God, I have the appetite of a really large horse at the moment, though. And what am I craving? Cabbage and onions! All lightly shredded and mixed together. I must smell lovely! Thursday 15th July -- Blimey, had a mad few weeks. Been at Mum's helping her out before I go off on maternity leave (not that I'll actually go off anywhere, as I work at home anyway...!). Well, only 3 weeks (officially) to go before Tiny's born. He's still not totally head down. I've had weeks of him going down, then bobbing up again. At the moment I have a bum under my right ribs, but the head's not far behind. Must be a contortionist like his mummy! Have been quite distressed about it all, and spent many hours with arse in air doing all the recommended baby turning exercises. Hmmm. Anyway, am off to hozzie on Monday where the docs will determine if Tiny's got the cord round his neck. If he hasn't then we'll continue trying to turn him. If he has, then I don't know what I'll do. A home waterbirth will be unlikely then. There really is no "safest" way to deliver a breech, regardless of what people may say. Of course docs, midwives and other professionals will all differ in their opinions. And when it's your first baby, it's so very hard to make a decision about how to give birth when there is so much conflicting advice. My midwife said that she can't recommend a homebirth if it's breech, but they have to support me. Trouble is, you get all that extra anxiety energy, which won't help. And they won't let me deliver in water, but from what I've read, that's safer because the cord doesn't shrivel when it comes out (because it's contact with air that does that), so it buys you more time. But of course, midwives can't look up your fanny and interfere or keep any eye on things. And the real reason why it's a bit risky to deliver at home in water is because so many midwives now don't have breech experience because most are now c-section. As hard as it is to not get stressed about this, I'm trying so hard to remain relaxed, because I know that's the best thing to do. Tough one. Stop hassling me! Now then. I need to have serious words with you guys! I know it's not many of you, but I am getting emails that I've not been open enough about my pregnancy, and about how I look at the moment (ie not 8 stone!). I even had one guy asking me why I was fat! Err, please realise that this is a very sacred time for me, I'm not your property, and I don't have to write anything that I don't want to. So please respect my privacy, and please understand that I'm totally entitled to write and publish what I want on my own web site! If you want to write a web site with all your personal stuff on it, fine, do it, but don't try to live your life through me or project your stuff onto me. Do you know, the questions I've been asked recently are so invasive -- I wouldn't dream of writing that stuff to my best mate, let alone someone I don't know. SO BACK OFF and let me nest! All my emails are now being screened through someone else, and I've requested that emails of this nature don't get forwarded to me, so even if you do feel you need so say something, I won't get to see it. OK, onto lighter things. Went to Jessie's hen weekend in Bath the other day. It was sooo lovely. There's a great veggie restaurant called Demuth's. Mmmmm! Oh, I stayed in a really nice old hotel (room was about a mile from the lift, ow my legs). Anyway, as we were leaving, I noticed my food bag was gone. Oh! There were goji berries, avocados, figs, raspberry leaf tea and my teapot in there! I was gobsmacked. It turned out the cleaner thought it was rubbish (good lord -- imagine that). Anyway, they did compensate me a bit, but was v upset at losing such great food. Good job I have a big stash of gojis!! Anyway, I stayed with Chrissie, which was perfect, because (much as I wanted to) I couldn't go clubbing with a baby in my tummy! Chrissie's not into clubbing, so we went back to our room at the same time and were both happy to do so. Now, I've totally decided to go nowhere until after Tiny's born. Am not even going to Matt's house, coz if I go into labour when I'm that far from home, I'm not sure what I'll do! So am going to hang out at home for the next few weeks. God, how will that not drive me bonkers? Tis odd, coz I feel healthier now than I have done through my whole pregnancy. I find walking really hard, but other physical stuff is easy and lovely. Am so enjoying pregnancy yoga now. Haven't been swimming for a while due to being away so much -- must go next week... OK lovely ones, have a great weekend. Hope you get some sunshine in this weird July weather of ours... This baby's not for turning Saturday 24th July -- Golly gosh it's been a very hard week. We went to the hozzie on Monday for a scan. I thought this scan would determine if the cord was round the baby's neck, and if it wasn't we'd be offered an ECV. They told me as they were scanning me that they couldn't tell if the cord was round the neck or not. I got upset and cried, going "What's the point of this scan, then?" Yet another piece of intervention that wasn't necessary. The scanner woman tried to cheer me up by showing me that the baby had hair. Sure enough, there were little spikes of inch-long hair. Very cute, but I could have waited to see that in real life. Anyway, they said they were scanning the baby to see if it was still breech (I could have told them that), and to see the size as I have a planned home birth. I knew it wasn't a big baby, as the previous scans had told me that. Left there feeling very upset. They set me up with a consultant so we went downstairs and waited just for a few minutes to see her. Nice woman, and all that, this Dr, but she told me at least three lies (Matt will tell you they weren't lies, just her way of speaking!). The biggest was that I can't have a breech birth at home. I knew I could, it just wasn't recommended (read: the docs are scared of you suing them if something goes wrong and they've not been seen to intervene as much as possible). Made an appointment for an ECV. Was v. upset that consultant doc confirmed that you can't tell if the cord's round the neck or not. When we had the scan, the baby was laying in exactly the same position as I was when I was a little 'un. I had the cord twice round my neck and so, though it's not certain it'll be the same, I did feel a big pattern emerging. Got even more upset when doc said I needed a jab of muscle relaxant to perform the ECV. More interference. Cried heartily at this point. Not just at the intervention, because in hindsight it hasn't been that bad, but really because it was becoming increasingly obvious that I wasn't going to be able to birth Tiny naturally -- and I wanted that more than anything. Blimey, even just writing about that set me off again... On Wednesday, we went for the ECV. I'd read up about it and asked people's advice. There are some great people all willing to help on th'internet, and I'm so thankful for that. One woman said she did see the cord when she had a scan, so I persevered with asking about that this time. I'd also asked people about the injection -- if it was necessary. Two independent midwives told me it wasn't, but will increase the chances of the ECV working. The chances of an ECV working at 37 weeks is about 50%, and the chances of it staying turned is about 80%, so I was hopeful. After everything else I'd tried over the past six weeks, I was also a little desperate. When I got to the hozzie, Tiny was traced for about 15 minutes. Turns out I'm having Braxton-Hicks contractions every three minutes, though I can't feel them at all. Over the last week, I've felt about three a day, but not much, just a little tightening. Before that, I felt nothing at all. The doc said she'd try the ECV without the jab first. If it didn't work, I had the option of trying it with the jab. I thought that was very fair, and didn't feel bullied at all. She also explained that you can't always tell if the cord is round the baby's neck because it's a 2D image, but you can check to see if it's near the neck. We went into a nice dark cool room and they tilted me back a bit. They very quickly scanned the baby to check his position and then did the first ECV attempt. Matt reminded me to breathe which really helped. Then he grabbed my big toe and yanked on it, which really didn't help! The midwife held Tiny's bottom as the doc tried to move him round to do a forward roll. She said the idea is that you move them just enough for them to then kick out and it shifts them. Tiny moved over to the side, just as he had been doing on his own, and stayed there. He didn't go any further. The doc tried to turn him backwards, but that was way too painful, so she stopped. Tiny's heart was then monitored for another 15 minutes while I had the jab (I really don't do jabs -- can't remember the last one I had. Must have been about 11 or something with the TB jab. Ugh.) Anyway, this took effect -- it was adrenaline based, and so made me a bit shaky. We went back into the room and I got tilted as before. This time another doc came to watch. Apparently ECVs are rare, so people do take the chance to look at them. Am sure a successful one is a really great event. The doc and midwife marvelled at how different my womb felt after having the jab, and I have to say, it didn't feel as painful this time. They made the same attempt -- twice -- but Tiny got so far and then wouldn't move. All the while I was visualising Tiny turning and being upside down, but that obviously wasn't enough. For whatever reason, Tiny decided that he was to be a breech baby. And he's really stuck, wedged in there, with his head under my ribs, his back down my left, and his legs locked straight going up so his feet are in his face -- that's not an optimal position for turning! Now, this is where it gets complicated, because I've just sat there and wondered and wondered why on earth my child wouldn't want a stress-free home birth under water. And of course I can't come to any conclusion because I don't know. All I know is that's what is. So we went home and Matt wrote down all the options: Tiny may still turn. I cancelled the pool, but the woman who owns the company said if he turns she can get the pool to me the next day. If this happens, I'll have the planned homebirth. Home vaginal birth with all the complications of being a first time mum, and the mental stuff I'm carrying from my own horrendous breech birth. Hozzie vaginal birth -- the doc said they don't have to put one of those strap on monitors on me if I don't want, and the midwife said water may be possible, depending on who's on duty. They said with a vaginal breech birth attempt, about 30-40% end up as emergency C-section. There'll be lots of intervention and monitoring, and a high chance of episiotomy (especially as this is my first baby), painkillers (fanny not made to stretch like that), and stress (from medics). Elective C-section in about 10-14 days. They said 39 weeks is best because the baby's "ready" and it's best to do it before the chance of going into labour is too high. I sat with every available option for a couple of days. I spoke to my new midwife (old midwife is on holiday). Everybody has been really supportive, and no-one's pressured me into doing anything I don't want. Obviously the docs are saying c-section is safest, but I know that's just stats. That aside, no-one at any time told me what to do. When I spoke to the midwife, she was going to see about getting a senior midwife to talk to me, who has experience in home breech births, but she's off on long-term sick leave at the mo. I could have tried to find an independent midwife at the 11th hour, as they have more experience than NHS midwives in home breeches. The midwife said she'd be v happy to support her as the second midwife. She explained the age old problem -- so many women have c-sections now for breeches, that midwives aren't getting enough experience, so they can't offer them, so women feel pressured into having a section. Not good. So I sat even more, and thought about every scenario. And finally, what swung it for me is the fact that this is my first baby, I've never given birth before so don't know what to expect. With the added complication that it's breech, I'm just too scared to go for a v-birth with the risks involved (and I mean the real risks, not the ones the docs try to tell you about). Of course my mum's history with me was a deciding factor, but not the only one. I also did a deal with Tiny. His due date is 7th Aug. I managed to get a late booking of 5th Aug (heavens above, they first booked me in on 26th July -- 2 days time! -- obviously I freaked at this! I wasn't mentally ready, and besides that, I've got a hair appointment booked that day and a massage booked the next day!). This gives Tiny much more time to turn (though he seems very firmly wedged), and it also gives him another option -- we've agreed between us that if I go into labour before the 5th, it means he wants to attempt a v-birth. If I don't go into labour, it means he's happy for the c-section. Tiny chose this position, so he can also have a choice in how he wants to come out! So I've just written my birth plan, which is odd, considering I won't be birthing him in the normal way. There are things that the hozzie can do to make it more sacred and natural, and so that's what I'm requesting. And I'm still trying homeopathy, visualisation, meditation InnerTalk and moxa to turn Tiny, yet am aware that it may just be that this is what he wants. We'll see what happens. I'm doing just swell 30th July -- Blimey! I've got pig's trotters for feet with this heat. Went to the pictures today, as I just had to be somewhere with air con. Felt great afterwards. Saw The Stepford Wives -- very good! A nice simple tale that even my pregnant brain could understand. Got my final few things from Mothercare, including some humungous nursing bras. Goodness, I look like my Auntie Shirley (this is the family member who stood in the front of the queue for boobs, and then pushed us all out of the way)! Daniel came over the other day! It was great to see him, especially as he massaged my pig's trotters. And brought me durian. Oh, how I love Daniel! He videoed me talking about my anticipated arrival, too. And now he's floated off again, doing yoga with famous people in London for a bit. As he does. Tiny's been very wriggly the last few days. Not sure what he's up to. Maybe he's just not comfy now he's all big and ready to come out and not the right way round? Things I loved about being pregnant Feeling a litle wriggly person inside me, being all nourished, nurtured and protected. Watching Tiny in my tummy, it's an amazing thing. Seeing my body change to accomodate a new life. Boobs growing and making food, belly swelling. Taking lots of time out to listen to my hypnotist CDs, to do nothing and to prepare for a new chapter in my life. People talking to me for no reason, other than they finally felt they had something in common with me! Amazing how my neighbours and strangers have helped me. What I'm excited about doing again Being able to walk! I'm sure I've had such difficulty because of my hyperflexible hips. I've felt like someone with no bones for the past 4 months. Getting back to 100% raw. I just felt sick when I saw some of the food I've loved for the past 4 years. It's been a weird time of compromise that I hope will soon be over. I'll be able to weed the garden! I'll be able to lay on my tummy! And milk will leak out everywhere... I can get my old clothes off of Lisa and start wearing them again. Er, but I am of the 9 months on, 9 months off school of thought! Next

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