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2002 -- March's snippets Tios: either lots of uncles or a couple, one your uncle and the other your auntie. Padres is the same. Lots of fathers, or your mum and dad, as in parents. Last year, when my parents were due for a visit, Ferny practiced some English on me: "When are your fathers coming to visit?" Well, he laughs at my Spanish! Spaniards habits: Was going to go to the police station in Malaga to get my ID number, which you're supposed to have if you're staying here. Didn't want to go alone so Pepe, one of Ferny's mates said he'd go with me. We planned 9am on Tuesday, but he just didn't turn up! He didn't ring or anything. Now, this is normal for Spaniards, but I'm still not used to it! When me and Joe flew over in January last year to look at some land, the estate agent didn't turn up, and we'd come all the way from the UK. What a funny way to behave. God, I'm so British. Listen to me! Blimey, Coin has it's own web site. www.planetavirtual.com shows you all the thrilling things going on here. Or not. Semana Santa (Saint week) -- all the locals parade through the streets in honour of Jesus. I don't need to as I have my very own Jesus-a-like. He's been working so hard recently, he's even got stigmatas on his hands. He cuts his long hair every so often, clean off. (Usually after a tragedy of one sort or another.) One year he did it around Easter time and all the women were like "Where's your hair gone? Why didn't you save it for Semana Santa?". 5th March -- Ferny's birthday. Parents and Auntie Shirl and Uncle Ray were here, so we all went out for a lovely meal and then went to the Casino in Marbella. For my meal I had guacamole and crudités to start, and for my main course, they had this thing like pizza places do, but with salads. You get a basic lettuce thing to start with, and can then add whatever you want to it. I got a smashing one, but can't remember what was in it. When we got to the casino, they checked our ID, and found out it was Ferny's birthday. The woman went off for a minute and came back with some chocolates, 4 free drink tickets, and didn't charge us entry fee. Then we lost €50 in about 2 minutes on roulette. Then Shirl and Ray won €400 on the roulette. The casino photographed her and Ray, coz that's what they do when someone just floats in and wins. Ferny couldn't understand how we could lose in no time, and they bet with the same money and won. Ray said he was choosing his lottery numbers. That'll be why we didn't win. We don't do the lottery. Ferny is in denial about being 34. He wants to stop getting old. I've said that if he's serious, then I'll help him, but I think it'll take a bit more time. 8th March -- Parents left for the UK today. It rained most of the time they were here, which makes no change at all. 11th March -- I nearly bought a farm at the weekend. I saw it advertised and went to see it. It had 2 mountain views, one lot at each side. There was nothing on the land, it was dry (no water) and no trees or house. But what a view. But, for several reasons, I didn't go through with it. Well, it wasn't meant to be but it made me a bit sad today. This house is painful to be in, with all the noise and smells from downstairs. Got attuned to Kundalini Reiki 3 today. The attunement processes have made me a lot more sensitive (wasn't sure that'd be possible!). My hands are a-whirring, wanting to heal. And they're warm. It's good to have warm hands. I've gone off my food and might fast tomorrow. I ate a salad earlier and it burnt my throat. 13th March -- I've moved my computer into the lounge for a few days to see what difference it makes to me. Trouble is, I keep having to take it to my Internet connection in the hallway to get and send emails and do web work. Hm. Must try to be practical here. Didn't fast in the end. I ate something at about 2.30, and kind of enjoyed it. Will just eat a little bit for the next few days, and see if I want to fast next week. Must go and stay with Jatinder next week. She only lives half an hour from me, in a beautiful town. It'll be nice to get away from this place, but I'll miss Ferny. Got to the post office and there was no queue. That's a first for here. Usually you have to wait half an hour at least, just to post a letter. The people behind the counter sit there smoking and being so slow. 14th March -- Wooopee! The gerbils had sex last night. This means Skunk isn't gay, I'm going to be a Grandmother, and Suerte is very, very happy! Fernando has spent the last week making a lovely stony pond for their mansion. They must be the happiest gerbils in captivity ever. Wish they could live free, though. Bless. Yes, working in the lounge is much better. Must sort something out a bit more permanent, though, as the Internet connection isn't there... 19th March -- Went to visit Jatinder in Benelmadena. It was lovely. We went shopping one day, to Fuengirola. Jatinder showed me an organic shop in Los Boliches, called BioNatura. Wow, real organic food! I was like a kiddie in a sweet shop. I got lots of greens and loved them, which was interesting as I'd only eaten fruit and nuts (which I don't usually eat) the week before. Must have been my body rebelling against the pesticide-laden greens. We had a lovely meal in the evening, with the 3 children. I slept in Pri's bedroom, and fell asleep as she was talking to me in the night. Sorry, Pri, I was tired! 20th March -- I had to go to Malaga to get my NIE application. This is like a social security number, and means I can open a bank account here. Well, might as well start acting like I live here a bit. Can't be a tourist forever. God, what a palaver. I've seen the police station every time I've been to Malaga, it's a massive building and has a poster about 40 feet high on the front. So this time I didn't see it, and got lost for about an hour. Then, after phoning Dao to get instructions for the second time, I found it. I got the form, asked where to queue to hand in the completed form and Jatinder queued for me while I filled in the form. Oh, I felt weird in that building. We were saying that it's like a big cold evil thing. Not nice. It makes me lose my magneticness to the world being in places like that. Anyway, after about half an hour queuing I got to the front of the queue, and the bloke says "You're in the wrong queue, it's that one", pointing to the one next to the one I was in. Oh. So I queued again for another half hour, and then when it was my turn the bloke says "You need to photocopy this, then bring it back" -- Erm, well, why did no-one tell me that? I said he could photocopy it while I waited, but he said he couldn't and I had to go to the shop round the corner. But he did say I didn't have to queue another time, just to bring the form to the table. By this time I would have been crying if I was on my own. Why why why does this bureaucracy exist. Oh, it makes my heart bleed. Well, I photocopied my papers, went back, and there was a little queue. When the applicants got up to go, I went over to the table and put the documents in front of the man. He picked them up as a man who was in the queue came over and started shouting at me to take the forms back and get in the queue. For some reason, I could only reply to him in Spanish! I don't know what happened, but no English came out. So, he was shouting and I was saying "But this man said not to queue" and eventually the bureaucracy man intervened and said that I was queuing for something else, and he needed to wait. I actually didn't believe that, but kept my mouth shut. Then the applicants who were leaving asked Priyanka, Jatinder's 9 year old girl if the girl she was playing with earlier was her daughter. We were both confused, as that "girl" was Mohan, her little brother. Thinking Pri was a mother, and Mohan was a girl blew us away. Phew -- finally we got out of there and went back to Jatinder's. Bless them for coming with me. Oh, I've got to go back in 25 days to get the certificate. Oh! Malaga, it's a bit too much for little me. I can cope with London, at least there are signposts, but Malaga. Ugh. Give me a forest any day. 22nd March -- Went to the supermarket today as I only had one mango and 5 strawberries left. It was teeming with people, and I couldn't understand why as it's usually only got me in there. I loved going there before, no bolshy Spaniards pushing in front etc. But this time, what happens? I'm getting my fruit weighed and nattering to the fruit weighing woman and this Spaniard shoves her strawberries in the middle of my fruit procession. How rude! Have worked a lot over the last 2 days, making up for my 2 days off. But it's been so lovely and warm here, it's the first time I've not had to have my blanket on in the last 6 months. Progress. 24th March -- Am in a bit of a grump coz we can't go out for our meal today like we do most Sundays. There's a week-long procession on called Semana Santa, all about Easter. It kind of takes over the streets so you can't really go out and park anywhere in the local towns, as there are all these people in the streets watching the Easter procession. Like most Spanish fiestas, the roots are firmly fixed in tradition and religion, but the leaves are firmly fixed in getting pissed and having a good time with your mates. We had dinner at home and will go to see the trees in a minute, once Ferny's had his telly fix. Then we're reorganising the house. I want to move shelves and make more room for my shrine in the lounge. Plus I think we need to clean the gerbils out before the babies are born. Hm. Think I'm bored here. Must change my life again. Oh. Wish I could settle. Or do I? It's getting lovely now, no more need for blankets when working. Am planning the best summer in the world, and that includes getting my new book out. Wow. I do still wonder how life can be so fab, especially in these seemingly dark times. 26 March -- Blimey I was in a strange mood on Sunday, wasn't I. I think it's because I'm feeling too isolated right now. Am a recluse who likes to socialise. That's a tough one to get right. Well, I reorganised the lounge yesterday, and that made me feel better. It's got some logic to it now. I've made a little shrine, too. Very beautiful. The gerbils are becoming telly addicts, especially Suerte. I was watching her last night watching the football. Maybe she just likes looking at the men. And in her condition! She's got no shame. Am out of bananas so should go to the shops now, instead of entertaining the world. Right, will zip off. Oh, that reminds me. I was listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 the other day (I get it through the Internet), and he had zippy on as a guest! God, it was sooo funny. Now, Lisa Currants told Ferny that he laughs like Zippy and I really wanted to record the show so I could let him listen when he got home from work. They have the Teletubbies here in Spain, but they never got Rainbow in the '70s. poor deprived Spaniards. That's what's missing in their eyes. George, Bungle and Zippy. Anyway, I don't know how to record sound on my computer so didn't record it, and Ferny is still in the dark about his laughalike. It's so similar though. Very funny, but I think you have to be here. Am going to the UK in May. That'll be fun. Can't wait, but can. 31st March -- Have had a good few days. Joe's been here visiting his brothers who are in Spain for a few months, so I've been hanging out with them. Not only is Joe my adoptive twin, but I think his brothers are now my brothers too. We all have the same mannerisms and ways of speaking. It would scare me if I didn't know better. So yesterday we went to Puerto Banus for dinner. Last time I was there with Karen A we saw the Newcastle United footie team, and this time we saw Emma Bunton (Baby Spice). She was laughing as everyone was turning to stare at her. Good girl. And there were loads of people (as usual) who are famous in their own heads, who wear baseball caps and big dark glasses. We all started pretending to be too: When we went to the loo we put glasses on and raised a knowing eyebrow to those who looked. It's a funny place as there are so many star spotters, and yet it's just a port for posh boats with some cafes, bars and grossly over-priced and under-talented art. When I was there with Michael the video man in February, we went into an art shop and played "spot a picture that doesn't make you throw up". Neither of us could. Now, all these millionaires dotted around this area. I need to have words with them. The world is in tatters, we need to be ploughing all our spare cash into buying land and allowing it to grow into natural forests. We don't need to be buying posh boats and other consumables which give us a quick adrenalin fix before we have to go off in search of some other artificial high. I say "we", not "they" because I'm a millionaire with all my thoughts and my wonderful life, if not with money. OK, so that won't buy land to save the earth, but I can turn it into something that will. Many raw fooders, and save-the-whatever type-people are like the opposites of magnets when it comes to money, but as money rules these days it's important for people who care to attract it and channel it into the right place. Let's get power out of the hands of the ignorant, and do something about the human-induced state of the planet shall we? Rant over. So, there've been non-stop parties in the towns around here, because of Semana Santa. Honestly, I barely slept last night as there were people in the street all through the night. Can't understand it, but then they probably can't understand me. The bloke next door died 2 days ago. We found out because the nosey woman who lives down our alley with a big dyed red hair-do told Ferny's dad as he was taking his morning trip to the outside loo downstairs. We had our bedroom window open so overheard Mrs Town Crier dish out the news in the same way as she dishes out her fried eggs to her husband of a morning. Poor man. He didn't get visitors or anything, and has no children. So as is tradition round here, as the news spread like wildfire, all the men gathered round the house, and there was a low murmur of chatter and laughing for about 24 hours while everyone paid their respects to the old man when they couldn't be bothered to go and see him while he was alive. Ferny warned me that this society is hypocritical, but I thought all societies were equally so. But this poor man -- all those people in his house, all day, talking over his newly-cold body. When he'd finally given up, felt he had no more reason to live his lonely life, then they come to talk in his house. Sick. If you have an old person near you, go talk to them today, don't leave it until they're dead, it's a bit late then. I try to talk to Ferny's dad but I don't understand a word he says. Not easy this Andalucian accent! Next

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