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"You just get better and better and give all us 'backsliders' such hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Actually I heard someone say the other day, don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, get down there and light the bloody thing yourself. So that's what I'm going to do." -- Jenny, Lake Macquarie, Australia In a nutshell... Me and Stevie split up. I did some events. I dislike my work even more as it becomes apparent that I can't work just for money any more -- it has to mean more than that. My parents think I've lost the plot completely, but I know I've found it! Friday 1st September 2000 I'm working on my breathing at the moment. It's my last physical ailment that I've not yet cracked. I thought I'd never be able to alter it, but the more I explore myself, the more it's pointing to being related to emotional issues. As I'm letting go of everything, and doing lots of breathing exercises (I sometimes hold my breath for ever without realising it until I start feeling funny!), I feel more in control of my breathing and now believe I can cure it. I have a fly thing going on. I prefer fruit flies to poo flies (I think they only like houses with rotting meat as I've never suffered from them).... but... My composter has about a thousand fruit flies in there, so when I took the lid off the other week to add some stuff, they all came out at me . "Wooooooo" they said, in a scary fruit fly voice. I've resorted to leaving the lid off as I don't like the thought of them all being trapped. But now it's raining and my compost's probably getting wet or something. And then there's my kitchen. Even post-fast and post-colonic housewifeitis doesn't deter flies from this room. I have to keep my fruit in there, and my peelings which I take out to the composter every day. To be honest, the ones in the house aren't bothering me (except one just now: as I was eating my melon s/he joined in with me so I went into another room)... but Stevie's moaning about it, and I can do without that. I wonder if they arrive on the fruit as eggs and then hatch when in the house, or do they smell fruity houses and invade? Do they vomit on the fruit and then eat their sick like poo flies? Anyway, I found a good tip the other day: Someone suggested putting all the peelings in a box with the lid not quite on right, last thing at night. During the night, they all go into the box to lie with the fruit. Then in the morning, you have to creep downstairs in your nightie (for dramatic effect), and slowly put the lid on and take the whole lot outside. I tried this for a few nights, and am not sure if the flies are back in the house before I am... I had a client come round the other morning and it was so nice outside I said "let's sit outside and talk". I Immediately remembered about my Butlins-for-flies composter, which would probably not impress a client! Luckily, all the flies must have been happy munching on watermelon bits in the composter, because none of them came out to say hello to him. Phew! Maybe they understand when not to be naughty? And sometimes I go off food, and it goes a bit manky. If I don't fancy it the flies go "Oh, goody, let's have a party on the peach," and that's it. They just multiply. And you should see them zoom at me when I'm eating durian outside -- ooooh! So much stuff is going on, I feel like I'm about 5 people, doing 5 jobs and living 5 lives. There's a little bit of me which wants to retreat and get the hell out of here, but the rest of me is so excited by everything that's going on that I'm so thrilled to be hanging on for the ride. Over the last few weeks since finding out about my tummy problems, I've been eating loads more greens and I feel stronger, more grounded, have lots of stamina, and my muscles are looking rather sexy -- even if I say so myself! I had a go at Astanga yoga tonight -- I much prefer it to normal hatha, as it's such a challenge! I'll try to keep it up and see how it does me... Saturday 2nd September 2000 I'm getting a load of stuff from my garden... shepherd's purse, dandelion, plantain, doc, burdock, dill, parsley, chives etc and eating them in a salad, along with bought greens such as spinach, chard and herbs. Mmmmmm... It's given me the strength of an ox. A strong ox, that is, not a weak little runt one. I made a great big salad from my wildflower garden and took it round Karen's. We ate it, had some E3Live and then went for a boogie a few hours later. I can't tell you what energy we had! We were dancing almost solidly (except for when I didn't like the music a few times) until some hour some time in the morning. I don't think I've ever had that much energy before. By the end of the night my hips were sore and I had blisters but didn't want to stop that boogie thang. Tuesday 5th September 2000 Work's going well, but I'm just so bogged down with so much that I'm not getting time to myself to read or exercise so I feel like a caged rabbit at the moment. Oh well, it's all for a good cause (my life!!) I feel like I'm a new person every time I wake up now. It won't be long until I've got rid of my cocoon and I can flutter off into the big wide world. Wednesday 6th September 2000 I woke up with a horrible feeling all around me today. I was being told "Today's the day" -- for me and Stevie to split up. I looked at him sleeping all peaceful and thought "No it isn't, we're going to the pictures tonight to see Snatch, when am I going to do it -- while he's buying popcorn?" And then I thought that I have yoga tomorrow night so it will have to be Friday. But all day, the feeling remained. I tried to concentrate on my work but kept ending up on the floor as if I was being kicked in the stomach. "I can't do it", I kept saying. But someone was telling me I must. This is what happens when we're not proactive, our angels start beating us into submission. Stevie came home for tea before we were due to go out. But we didn't eat, we snuggled. I couldn't tell him. Later, he joked: "So do you still think we should split up?" What was this? I couldn't say it, so he ends up prompting me, unwittingly. I bit my lip and said "Well, it won't work between us." So that was it, we split up. And it was horrible, I couldn't stop crying and wondered that if I was supposed to be alone, why did it hurt this much? Why couldn't there be another way? I don't want to hurt anyone in my life, so why did I have to hurt Stevie, just because I've got a different path to him? We tried to go to the cinema, but walked out after about 10 minutes. We came back home and I went for a walk in the cold night to clear my head. On the way back I saw a big beautiful shooting star and realised that I'd just opened up the rest of my life. Friday 8th September 2000 I had a horrible day yesterday. I didn't realise it would feel this bad. I feel like I've killed someone. If this was the right thing to do, why do I feel the guilt and burden like this? I got a good night's sleep last night, which made up for the night before. We decided to go out for a "new life celebration meal" tonight. I think he's going to move to the States. Even though it's been a horrible 2 days, I still know that I have to be true to myself. I also know that this isn't just a relationship thing, it's a life thing. I'm thinking about selling my house and/or packing my business in (after only 3 months!). I know if I keep asking and seeking I'll get the answers to where my life is supposed to lead me. I've never done anything so liberating as what I'm doing now, and I just have faith that everything will work out right and I'll end up doing what I'm supposed to do. This is surely my biggest detox symptom yet... I wasn't planning on working today, but felt the urge to, so I'm designing a web site for someone. It's funny that when I give myself permission to have time off I don't want it. But it does feel hollow... it's a means to an end, that's all. Later in the afternoon, over a few hours I felt some kind of magic something come over me, but I can't quite work out what feeling it is yet. Maybe it's my angels just telling me they're there? I don't look at my stars every day, but today, they're interesting: "This is a time when you can make things happen and dare to dream the impossible dream. You are allowed to follow your star if it is one thing you feel truly, madly, deeply passionate about. So long as passion doesn't become a destructive obsession you'll find some meaning to your life." Follow your star! I saw one on Wednesday. And my weekend stars say: "Mercury helps provide the stimulus and Neptune the inspiration to send new ideas into orbit. This is the moment you have been waiting for when even the wildest of dreams look to be coming true and all because you never lost faith in your convictions. Unconditional success is now nigh." Sunday 10th September 2000 Karen and I made food all night for a fayre. We had to get up at 7am. That's a whopping 3 hours sleep for these super-charged green girls. We packed all the food in my car and went off to the Holistic Fayre with Cheryl, one of Karen's employees. Oh, a fruit salad tipped over in my car and I couldn't wipe it all up. It'll probably stink for months now. Poor Vera. I had a fab time at the fayre, though not many people turned up. I don't think Cambridge is the right place for that sort of thing -- it's far too posh! I was entertaining old ladies with tall stories of wheatgrass, and talking to all the small children, too. Now I'm single I've got a bit broody. I think it's because I've just thrown away the chance of a stable family set up in which I could have brought children. I never wanted children until quite recently as I thought life was too cruel, but now I do want them, but not right now, but before I get to 35, but that's not too far away. Maybe 37? Or 40. All in all, the food we made for the fayre was well received. People also loved the juices (I was on the food and juice machines). I had green juices yesterday at the fair, and felt like bouncing off the walls. They were so good! I'm slowly getting a feel for what I'm going to do next, but I must try to focus for a few weeks, to really see the way clearly. I can't say how relieved I am now. I still don't know exactly (though I have some thoughts and feelings) what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but I don't feel worried or in a hurry to sort it out -- what will be will be, I know my path will become clear. Monday 11th September 2000 I'm emotionally exhausted now, I'm almost at the stage where I can feel no more. I found out that there is a petrol strike on at the moment. It's been going on for some days, but I don't watch the news. I've got no petrol and I need to go to Great Yarmouth to visit 2 prospective clients and my parents. I had to go and queue up for an hour at the petrol station where everyone was panic-buying. I watched the smuggest cyclist in the world pass by as I was talking to my sister on the phone. Earlier on, I tried to ring my sister but I dialled the wrong number and rang my mum instead. She gave me so much abuse about splitting up with Stevie, like I needed that. Don't I feel vulnerable here? I'd told my dad that we'd split up a couple of days ago and he hadn't told my mum, so it's my fault that she didn't know. And anyway, who's life is this? Normally, I wouldn't even listen to to someone telling me off like this, but tonight I was like a cornered animal... I felt down and lonely all night, eating lots and crying. That's really not me at all these days, but everything's caught up with me now. I'm totally done in. On top of this, I'm premenstrual, and have really felt the pull of the moon these last couple of days. It's taken a lot out of me, and the last week has been one of the toughest ones in my life. I've just felt like I'm on a slippery slope all week, with anything I've tried to do. Tuesday 12th September 2000 I've been growing my body hair. I've never done this before, and it feels strange. I like my underarm hair, I don't mind my leg hair, but I really don't like my bikini line hair. It feels too heavy for me. I'm going to leave it all and see how it feels. Wednesday 14th September 2000 Tonight was awful, I just got told off big time from my parents. Mum thinks I'm away with the fairies, dad thinks some "hangers on" are after my money. I couldn't believe the things they came out with. There's nothing for it with them, I'm just going to have to distance myself from them as I can't have them upsetting me and making me doubt myself like that. God, it hurts to have my family turn against me. Especially when it's my hour of need, too. I only want to be honest with them, and don't understand why they can't accept that. Friday 15th September 2000 As the petrol strike grips the country, there are less and less cars on the road. I have enough petrol to last a few more days. I went to our village fruit shop today and stockpiled all their avocados, as I might not be able to get to Tesco soon. The woman behind the counter laughed heartily at me, saying "I've heard of stockpiling bread and milk, but not avocados." I think I'll have the last laugh. I love this petrol thing -- people in this country have finally found their balls. I wonder when they'll realise they'd die without the network of shops cars and servants to support them?? Karen came round tonight and I made choccie pudding for the National Vegan Festival tomorrow, as we have a stall there. I might have to eat a load of it as I'm premenstrual and totally out of synch with the moon now. I made the recipe in these proportions: 1 avocado, 10 juicy dates, 2 dessertspoons raw carob powder, blended in food processor. Optional: squeeze of lemon juice if you're not eating it straight away (yeah, right!). Also adding the stone of the avo to the centre of the dessert prolongs its life. Dionne adds the juice and rind of an orange to make a choc orange dessert. It goes well on its own, but try it with chopped banana and topped with almonds for a heavier "go away, cravings" delight! Saturday 16th September 2000 Well, we again got barely any sleep, and got up at some ungodly hour to catch the 7.31 train to London, armed with a load of books, leaflets, and the pudding. Sensibly, we caught a cab to the event, as we were concerned our arms were going to pop off like those dolls you got when you were little. Karen set up the books and leaflets while I assembled the banana, chocolate and nut puddings. I realised that I could have made much more, but didn't have any more ingredients. Judging by the left-overs we had last week, it's a difficult one to gauge, this. I looked at the other stalls and the decor of the room. There was a lot of negativity -- protests about meat and leather. But this was a vegan festival -- who were they aiming at? Vegans know meat and leather are naughty naughty. Maybe vegans want something more positive in their lives? The Fresh stall, by comparison appeared to have sunshine above it and a rainbow enveloping it. It had a glow, and so did we. Fresh member Pauline Tilbury had a stall, and she'd made the most beautiful raw puddings and savouries imaginable. We ate a fair bit off her stall! Effat had a wild food stall -- and it was wild. She gave us a plate of it! Blimey is all I can say. Leaves Of Life had a lot of raw food, and Raw eventually got their juice bar up and running -- but there was no wheatgrass or green juice this time. When I went to this festival last year, I don't recall seeing quite the same raw buzz as this year. Thinks are hotting up for raw! From the minute the doors opened, the Fresh stall was heaving. People were buying books, signing up for membership, asking for enquiry packs, asking about the raw way of life. It was so refreshing to have so many people asking sensible, well thought out questions. We had some fantastic conversations with everyone. Karen laughed at me when I was getting some blokes to feel how soft my skin was... well a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... They both signed up for membership after that! One of them was a Jew and the other was a Jain -- wow! Not even 2 hours into the day, my puddings had sold out. I'd written the recipe down on the price list for people to copy and they did. Most people who ate it came back to tell me how much they loved it. I told them that's because I made it with love! Sunchild, Jade and Dionne helped out on the stall from time to time, and Grant did a smashing job with talking people through the various books and upcoming events. We were very grateful to them all. When it was time for Karen's talk, there was no let up in visitors to the stall, but the girls wanted to watch her -- so I was left to it! I was in four conversations at one time. People want to know! After a while Grant came back over to help out. I couldn't believe how quickly the day was going. Effat managed to find a megaphone and talked to the hall for about 10 minutes but I don't know what about, as I can't understand her at the best of times, so with the distortion of the megaphone...all I kept hearing was the word "nature"...! Before 2pm we had sold most of the books, given away all the enquiry packs, sold all the magazines (Get Fresh, Just Eat An Apple and Living Nutrition) and had no membership forms or events leaflets left. I kept rearranging the stall to make it look "bigger" as our stock diminished at warp speed. I realised part of my rearranging was my new found cleanliness manifesting itself again. As usual I got a bit carried away and told Pat that I could walk on water. What a daft thing to say! Things just sometimes pop out of my mouth and I say, "get back in" but they don't listen to me. I probably can't walk on water, but I suppose I was saying something about feeling like you can do all the things people said were impossible. We were so glad that we'd sold so much -- it meant we wouldn't risk damaging ourselves on the way back home with vicious luggage. Towards the end of the day I went round giving out the "Do you feel the vibe?" leaflets which I'd made and chatting to people. I loved the day -- I loved talking to (and listening to!) people about getting the most out of life. The feedback was amazing: you can just tell by the smile on their faces that they are with you on what you say. Fantastic it was! After the festival we had a social one in London -- first durian eating (I also bought a frozen segment and a fresh whole one for later in the week. I think I deserve to spoil myself right now...), then we found a club with an outside DJ. It was such a warm September evening we stayed there for about an hour while Sunchild boogied her socks off. Then Karen and I caught the train home... We both had a lovely day, Fresh got a lot of exposure, and we left the festival feeling mighty real... I needed a day like this, to feel positive and happy again. It brought some balance back to my life. I'm feeling much better about things now, but still feeling it for Stevie. He didn't deserve this at all. If there was another way I'd have taken it. I won't feel like my normal self for a while because I feel Stevie's pain so much. It will get easier though. Monday 18th September 2000 Last night I slept almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I feel a bit tired today as I always do after London -- don't know how people live there. Got my period today, and had quite a lot of pain but I controlled it with yoga. Tuesday 19th September 2000 I made a nice soup today: 1 head of celery, 1 clove garlic, 1 chili, quarter of a pint of water, half an avocado, 2 dessertspoons hemp oil. Chopped the chili and garlic, then blend everything together. Last night I kept waking up for the loo so didn't wake up properly until quarter to 10! Today's been no better -- I had a migraine this morning, nearly crashed into someone on the way back from the bank, clipped someone else's wing mirror and then left my handbrake on when I was getting a watermelon, and my car nearly crashed into the car behind it. I don't know what to do with myself. I've done such little work, but can't rest. I'm so jittery. I even opened my durian and I knew it wasn't ripe. So now I've gone and wasted £19 worth of food. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been thinking about the changes I'm making. Splitting with Stevie was one thing, but then there's my business which doesn't feel right to me. And then I thought back to a conversation I had with Karen in March -- I was only 3 months raw and my work mates in the States were accusing me of being anorexic. I rang Karen up in tears and went on about that for a bit. Then I told her that I didn't think I'd have a job much longer -- I couldn't see there being enough work for me. And I didn't want to work for another company, and I didn't want to spend all day physically designing things again -- I was only 2 weeks into my new corporate ID role so couldn't yet get another job with some other company as I didn't have the experience. And I wasn't going back to web site design, I'd been doing it 6 years at that point. I told Karen that I wanted to work for the raw movement but my overheads are high (mortgage, car etc), so Karen said "What about going freelance and doing that part time and then working for Fresh part time?" I said that I couldn't afford it. I didn't know then that I was being guided, though it's obvious now that I was. So, by saying that I wanted to work for the raw movement all that time ago, I was committing myself to the Universe and from that point it worked for me, 100%. Sometimes when I resisted, it kicked me. Hard. Only 3 months after that conversation I found myself starting my new company, and earning enough money to enable me to simultaneously work for Fresh for free. But I had to do a lot along the way. I fought very hard for redundancy. I worked round the clock on my first client project back in May, before I'd even left my old job, sacrificing my social life and my sleep! (But managing a holiday straight afterwards!!) And I had to learn things totally alien to me such as accounts and admin. But it's not an easy trip, and it isn't all laid out for you... But blimey, it's worth it! I got to the stage about 4 weeks ago where I wasn't moving forward. I was wondering how to split with Stevie. I was worried about losing my house, and not being able to do the techie bits of my job without him, so thinking I'd lose the business. I felt sick. One day, I couldn't even do any work so I did some painting. While I was painting I went a bit meditative... it does that to you, doesn't it? And suddenly the words "I don't care if I lose everything, because if it's meant to be it will happen, if it's not, it won't" came into my head. This shocked me -- Little Miss "I need security" was thinking that? But all of a sudden, my sick feeling and anxiety subsided. From that moment I had complete trust and knew whatever happened next was for a reason... So if I give up my work, and my house, and my boyfriend, all that security, it doesn't matter. And maybe I'm feeling flighty over work because I'm supposed to give it up? It's not like I can't concentrate on other things, it's just work that hurts! Thursday 21st September 2000 I was just thinking how much I don't make complicated raw meals any more. I think I got bored of it after a few months, I changed so quickly when I started to live this way. The only thing I make now is salad once a day and a raw soup probably once a month, or something. Blimey, I would quite happily spend years in a kitchen before. Now my creative energy goes into more long term things than the next meal! Friday 22nd September 2000 I've had a mad night and feel like my heart's being ripped apart. I don't know what's going on. I thought it couldn't get any worse after me and Stevie broke up, but is seems I'm not through this change yet. I know I'm supposed to move, and it's likely that I'm supposed to move out of England, but I haven't a clue where, how or why yet. Sunday 24th September 2000 Karen and I were attuned to Reiki this weekend. She felt sick while doing it, and I felt ill before-hand! Lovely. Wednesday 27th September 2000 Started the Ejuva cleanse today. Paul Nison from the States is coming over today to do some Fresh events. Karen was going to go and pick him up on the train, but at quarter to 6 this evening I decided to drive to Heathrow with her. It seemed daft her picking him up on the train with my car sat there doing nothing. And I had to get out the house. I really had to get out of the house. As usual, I took a wrong turn and drove the wrong way round the M25 on the way back, but it only added about another 30 minutes onto the journey. We had a good natter in the car, anyway. We got back round Karen's and all talked even more, and then I went home. I was still feeling as if I was being pulled apart in every direction. I got to bed at 4pm and screamed in my head "If there are any f***ing guides and angels, I wish they'd show themselves." Well, that might have been a bit strong but I can't tell you how this feels. It's all too much for me now. I've surrendered myself and am still in a hole, floundering. What's going on? Friday 29th September 2000 I've been in a pretty dark place in my head for a few days. I feel much better today, more like my happy, content self. I'm still waiting for signs on what to do next in my life, but I know I won't get them this week, so I'm going to just go and relax over the weekend with 2 parties to go to. I went to bed at about 9.30, read for an hour and then went fast asleep while giving myself Reiki. Wow, it was such a lovely deep healing sleep. I feel back to my happy cleaning-the-house-woman self. Me and Stevie have been talking about where he should live. He's staying here until we both or one of us decides what to do, so that's taking up a fair bit of energy for both of us. There are no arguments or anything, we're not like that. But it is strange. Saturday 30th September 2000 Went to Karen's this morning and had some durian. We hung round for a bit with Paul and then all went to London for a party. This is a party for the Eco Forest to celebrate them buying the land in Spain. I told Sunchild and Tish that I felt like I was going to move abroad. As I spoke to them about all my recent events, they just held my hands and loved me for being brave at this time. I am touched by beautiful people. We stayed over at Grant's house, but I didn't sleep much as I was freezing cold. Next

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