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"Thank you so much for sharing...... I actually felt quite tearful reading your journal -- not that it made me sad! I think it was your openness -- the sharing of your more 'intimate self' unconditionally with the intention to serve others...... I felt you were like a cloud so pregnant with rain...... that you were showering nourishment all over!" -- Ruth, Cornwall, UK In a nutshell... I was about 8 stone for a month before Ejuva but once completed, in this month, it went down to 7 stone. I don't know when or if it will settle! I've started to do yoga a few times a week and hope that will help with definition. I'd love to build a body just by using my own resistance and strength. I always did weights in the past but now don't like to use them much. My emotions were up and down all month, with the biggest lows and strange feelings of being pulled apart. Something very weird is happening to me! Since I've been doing the raw thang it's turned my life around! And upside down, and back to front. I can honestly say that nothing is what it used to be. I'm still trying to live with the new me, which is a challenge to say the least! I think everyone goes through that, though, don't they? Now I'm looking at the world raw-coloured spectacles, I wish I could show everyone the world through my eyes! Sunday 1st October 2000 Grant gave me reflexology in the morning, which was a welcomed relief. As Karen was getting her reflexology, me and Paul went to China Town to buy durians. We sat in Leicester Square and ate them. Oh, they were gorgeous. I tried very hard, and managed to eat a whole big one. We bought Karen one for later. As ever, people asked us what they were. One bloke wanted to try some, and even borrowed some money off someone to pay us for a bit, but we wouldn't take it. Durian is worth more than money, you can't just buy it. Well you can, but that's not the point. Eventually Paul says "Taste some off that pit" -- that's an American word for pip or stone or something. So he did. The bloke pulled a face, lit up a cigarette and said "That stinks. You've been robbed!" That evening we went to Sunchild's leaving party at Dionne's house. Though I was on Ejuva, I ate a bit more than I should. Well, it was a party and there was raw carrot cake! We had a little ceremony for Sunchild which was lovely. Paul looked startled when we did an "Om" thing. I think he thought he was getting dragged into a cult! Monday 2nd October 2000 I took Paul to Cambridge today, to loiter before his bus back to the train station. There's not a lot to do in this town, so we wandered around and then bought a load of olives from the market. We went to the veggie restaurant and ordered a couple of salads. Someone had booked a table and they'd forgotten to reserve it so they asked us to move, which we did. And they let us have our meal for free because of that! Tuesday 3rd October 2000 I just feel so low I don't know where to turn -- I really need to get out of here and I can't see a way, it just isn't making sense. I've got to get through this, I don't know how yet, but I can't take much more. Bloody English cold weather, detox, no good reason to wake up for in the morning. This just isn't the life I had, and it's not the one I want. Oh well ... I'll find a way. Maybe when the Ejuva's finished it'll be time for me to move on? I feel like jumping off a cliff right now (though I know I won't!). I don't know where to turn, what to do or anything. I've cried most of the day. I asked Ruth to do me some phone counselling. I don't know what else to do. She makes sense of these feelings. She's going to ring me tomorrow. She said that this whole thing isn't about Stevie, but more about my soul's hunger and the balancing act I have to play around survival. She reminded me that even though I'm clear in my mind as to this split up, I'm going through a grieving process now. Not because I don't want to move in this direction, but because I'm in the process of metamorphosis. I'm moving through an initiation into the next expression of my life. My spiritual body is kind of dying whilst alive! So all my familiarities are dying, and all the normal addictions have been transcended -- so I'm feeling more "raw"! I've been sleeping on the spare bedroom floor most nights at home but feel like I don't belong anywhere right now. I'm an alien! Wednesday 5th October I feel so much better today -- I've got a plan and am feeling very optimistic. I'm going to try and move abroad, somehow. I've just got to decide whether to sell or rent my house out. There are positives and negatives to both. I'll get some expert advice and then go with my heart as it knows best. My spirits have lifted no end -- I feel like I'm beginning to soar. I'm feeling like the rest of the year is still going to be an emotional transition period for me -- but after that, nothing will be able to stop me! I've got this coming weekend off, which is the only one in about 8 weeks. What a busy bee I am. But it's not going to be that exciting or relaxing, I have to do my VAT returns for my business. Listened to a tape which Ruth sent me today. She's been sending me a whole series of them, and somehow sends each one at the right time that I need it. I'm so very grateful for her guiding me through this process. I started to redesign shazzie.com today as it's had the same design for over a year. I think that's the modern day version of buying new underwear when you split from a bloke! I also went into town for a bit and poodled round in the rain with my flip flops on looking like an old bag lady. I quite like being a bag lady! Friday 6th October 2000 Oh, it's one of those days today, I'm in my cocoon and all these strange emotions are going on. I'm just holding on for dear life at the moment! But I don't feel bad about it, I just feel very turbulent! I had my mum talking to me last night -- saying Fresh was a cult and she can't believe food can change someone so much. I think I handled it well, I didn't get angry or emotional, I just gave her the facts and said that she wouldn't understand it as she doesn't have any experience to relate to it. But I could do with being supported rather than attacked right now. She can't see how I'll survive if I choose not to work 9-5. This emotional negativity is so prolific in our society. I contacted an American company about working over there for them. I need to take some action here! I ended up having a mixed day today -- I felt quite uncomfortable most of the day -- freezing cold (detox, I imagine), and I've cried a couple of times. I'm getting towards the end of Way Of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman, which I just seem compelled to read right now. I took myself off to a little park and read on the bench. I also closed my eyes and looked at the sun for a while as it was peeping through the clouds. I haven't been able to meditate recently, though, but Ruth says "Sharon, one does not meditate when one's house is on fire!" I'm embracing this change as much as I can, and I know when it's over that I'll think "What was all the fuss about", but it's really testing me. I'm not going to let it beat me, though -- I've come too far -- I'd be left a jibbering wreck stuck between two worlds (that's a quote from the above mentioned book -- see how relevant it is to me right now!). I've taken to burning coconut joss sticks. Not had a joss stick in about 18 years! Maybe it's to bring the tropics to me? I'd rather take me to the tropics, though! My Ejuva's going well. I got something black and rubbery out today. Maybe it was some mucoid plaque, but it might have been olives, though! I'm going to meet Ruth in Cornwall soon. I'm so looking forward to it! Ruth's a Leo so I'll get on perfectly with her. I went out with a Leo for 5 years, we had dogs together and everything. Bless my dogs, wherever they are now. Saturday 7th October 2000 I feel much calmer today. I did my VAT returns, which was so easy! How did I not understand numbers before when I was cooked? Ruth sent me some more stuff through the post. I got a gorgeous stone with an owl carved in it. I was gobsmacked when I saw that as I haven't seen an owl for years, but last week I saw 2 on 2 separate nights. They flew out of the trees and past my car. Then I get a stone with an owl on! I worked on the new Fresh brochure tonight. Wish I could do more for Fresh, but there's no real opening for me. Sunday 8th October 2000 I slept with my owl stone under my pillow last night and held it as soon as I woke up. I also read the first section of a book I bought yesterday called The 12 Gateways to Human Potential by Dan Millman. He was talking about self worth, doubt and what you think you deserve. I thought a lot about stuff last night and knew that I had to go within to find answers to my questions. I feel calmer still today -- and feel like something has changed overnight. My perspective on stuff, or something? Ruth told me today that the owl manifests Silent Wisdom and Inner Vision. The sun lives through the owl at night -- meditation on this alone will reveal much about the magic of owl. Owl medicine offers us the gift of seeing and hearing what is hidden or in the shadows, to see into the deeper crevices of others souls. She said that I already had this qualification at a deeper level within. I have the gifts of the owl. She also said that another focus is to embrace the hearing of the inner voice -- the owl can link the heart and mind -- especially the barn owl with its heart shaped face. I've been thinking more about renting my house out, and it makes a lot of sense. I think the revelation I had where I thought "It doesn't matter if I lose my house or job, I'll be looked after" was more important than actually selling the house. Just the thought seemed to be enough, somehow. Well, I won't let people have meat in here, so it may take some time for me to find the right people! I've been freezing today but as I feel in high spirits, I'm also in a vest top and warm with it. Oh, Mary Mary, how contrary. I don't know what to do with my business yet. I could either wind it down or change the direction of it. I don't want to do web design any more, I've been doing it 6 years! I don't feel enough for it. I feel like I need to take time out, learn new "skills" or bring hidden ones forward, and then go on. That's why I'm wanting to rent my house out, so I'm free to just be or just go wherever. Sounds very flaky which isn't me at all, but I think most raw people go through this. I'm not one to not work, so I'm just rechannelling my energies into something more fulfilling. But in the mean time, I get very dark days and very light days. I'm pushing myself through this as fast as I can without killing myself! I'm doing Ejuva, was recently Reiki attuned and am changing everything in my life. What a journey! Going a bit crazy before finding the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm feeling good today, which is 2 days in a row! I'm sleeping loads, too -- 10 hours last night. Have many emotions to detox, even though I thought I'd got them all before! Went to Oxfam to give some stuff away. How much more can I get rid of? I got a reply from the company in the US which I contacted and they want to know more about me. Now I'm having butterflies about thinking how to drive in the States and where I'll live and all that.!! Silly me, I'm not living in the moment, am I? I'm going to London with Karen on Wednesday for her birthday. I'm only on 1 meal a day come Wednesday, so it'll just be durian, then! So much is going wrong with technology. In one week, I've had about 3 email and Internet problems, my mobile phone went wrong, and loads of other stuff happened. I think I'm supposed to be living in a cave right now. Technology is conspiring against me as I shouldn't be sat here in this room doing this work. Yes, Universe -- I know that, but I have to sort some stuff out before I bugger off. OK? Tuesday 10th October 2000 Tonight I spoke to the US company. The call went fantastic and it looks like I'll be going out there in January to work for them! They want me to design their web site, co-author some books, and I told them I also wanted to work on their corporate identity and to build up my people skills. So I'm going to the States! I also spoke to them about my bloated tummy and they said that it's highly unlikely that tomatoes are causing this. It's a blood gas problem -- when you go raw and things clean out, then compressed gasses start to release from your system. Or something. Paul was saying something about blood gasses when he was here, but I wasn't really taking it in. I'll start eating tomatoes again and see what happens. It's been a lovely clear but cold day here today. I even got my face in the sunshine for 10 minutes! Wednesday 11th October 2000 Karen and I went to London today for her birthday. She bought half of a book shop and I bought a quarter! We ate frozen durian (there was no fresh durian) and young coconuts -- my only meal for the day. Later in the evening, we went to see Fame, the musical. I did my Ejuva in the loo and looked like a drug addict doing a fix. Thursday 12th October 2000 I can't believe what I did today. I was supposed to be taking a call from the US company but I'd booked a massage at that time. I think I'm doing too much at the moment. I've had property management agencies round, I've been working all day, I'm on week 3 of Ejuva, and I was so looking forward to a nice relaxing massage that I forgot about the call. Oh well, it's only a fantastic opportunity that I've probably gone and messed up, eh? But they were understanding, and I've rescheduled it. I think my strange phase is nearly over with -- I've had a wonderful light filled week which is just blowing my mind. From a caterpillar to a butterfly in one raw step! Friday 13th October 2000 The Ejuva's taking its toll a bit now -- I didn't feel very energetic yesterday, but today I did some Astanga (I'm only learning the basics right now, and it's tough as there are no teachers in this area.). I'm expecting the next 10 days to be up and down. That's great as I don't have one day off! I've been trying to buy a bed for my spare room. I thought I'd get a second hand one but no-one round here seems to sell them. Why is Cambridge so bloody posh? Went to London tonight. As I was driving to Ely to pick Karen up I watched the full moon rising over the fields, it was shiny red and so powerful. I planned to do as little as poss on my week 4 of Ejuva, but judging by the amount of work coming my way at the moment, I'm going to have to do something. I've got about 3 clients who wanted to put their projects on hold, and in the last few days they all want something yesterday! Isn't that always the way? Oh, I'm shifting furniture today as well, ready for my first lodger to have a look round the house. I'm telling myself this will all be worth it...! I'll make sure if I work during week 4 that I take it easy -- that's an advantage of working from home, I can work for an hour and then lay down for an hour. Saturday 14th October 2000 I got a 10 inch mucoid plaque thing out this morning -- at Grant's house! It was a white-clay-coloured thing so may have been gluten or casein?? I was so impressed. Am hoping for more! Came on at the same time. I do expel when I come on! Went to Fred's uncookery classes, and worked on the book stall thing. Did lots of kind of helping and chatting to people. Both classes were so full, that people got turned away! There's a demand for this!! Fred did fantastic dishes at his workshop. One dish was wild rice salad -- I think the textures in it are just what people look for. Fred said that wild rice is a seed, but isn't acid forming like other seeds. And it tasted gorgeous, it really did! Sometimes Fred uses things such as apple cider vinegar, maple syrup etc, and I asked him why. His market is mainly American and they're used to really processed things so this is a way of giving them raw with a bit of the familiar. I don't like all that additional stuff -- I wouldn't use it, but then I'm not American and wasn't brought up with such things... Sunday 15th October 2000 Went to a workshop by Roz Gruben today about planning your life. We ended up with our lives in segments and with ways to set, monitor and achieve goals. I never thought I'd get organised! We gorged on persimmons and cherimoyas, and my one meal a day was kind of not one meal... Monday 16th October 2000 Cor, it's raining some here! I shifted furniture for about 8 hours, and had enough of it after about an hour, I feel so tired. I always feel so tired after London, and so far into Ejuva, I feel like I'm doing too much, but it needs to be done. I may have to leave some for tomorrow or something. I demolished a wardrobe which felt fab! I've got my spare bed being delivered this evening ready for me to advertise for a lodger. London! I get a foggy headache, blocked nose and feel so tired. I think I was running on adrenaline today! At 2.30 I had my only meal for the day -- I mixed up a cherimoya and avocado with some dates. That's all I'm allowed today. I've decided to look into getting my amalgam fillings removed. I'm so squeaky clean and want to be cleaner. I also need a wisdom tooth taking out as it keeps getting infected -- my mouth's too small. (I don't know how so much noise comes out of it!) Tuesday 17th October 2000 I'm an a very active mode at the moment, I've got to get the house sorted so a lodger can live here, and I'm throwing out loads of my old stuff. Most of the furniture moving is done -- I just need to tidy some of the mess up, buy another wardrobe, demolish another one, and then get a lodger! Oh, and buy some bedding -- that would help! I'm desperately looking for a veggie lodger for the spare room and Stevie will stay here as long as he needs to. Then I can bugger off. As today's my last eating day (only 1 meal) and I had no food in, I took a walk to the village shop and bought some avocados, chillis and a romaine. I took it to the village pond and ate it there. I really took my time, too. It was a bit of a ceremony. I've probably eaten too much this week -- I've found one meal too difficult, as I get so cold. I think I'll find no meals easier, but once I've started eating, I find it hard to stop. God, how exciting. I've decide not to take on any more new contracts, too. Is this the end of my business? Wednesday 18th October 2000 First no-food day, with 4 doses of the Ejuva cleanse. I met Lisa B and we went to the Dolphin for a chat. The Dolphin's a pub, not a sea mammal in case you're wondering! Thursday 19th October 2000 Skippy came over for lunch. He complained about stuff and I went on about how fab everything is. No change there, then. Skippy, sort it out!!! This life is for living, man! I'm doing OK on day 2 of my no food. I'm not hungry but am starting to feel weak, yet still have to move a billion things in the house. I've got an advert for a lodger in the paper tonight. Fingers and tootsies crossed! I'm knackered from furniture moving but too restless to sit still. Funny Ejuva stuff. I got some more clay-looking stuff come out -- not as impressive as Saturday's, though! I keep bleeding from my girl's bits. I came on at full moon, then off 2 days later, then on one day later, then off, now blood again. Cor -- good way of knowing I'm detoxing as I wasn't due on for another 10 days. Oh, Going to Cornwall's going to be a pain. I can't get tickets for the trains I wanted so I had to book ones that don't give us as much time there. There's some school holiday on or something so all the trains are full. It's funny when there are no children in your life how you forget about schools. Funny word, "bored", eh! I was a bit "bored" tonight, and that never really happens with me. But I think it was more like listless -- couldn't get into reading, didn't want to watch telly, didn't want to work. Just wanted to do nothing but my mind won't let me. Friday 20th October 2000 Was confused about Ejuva. I can't work out if I'm supposed to take juices with it, or if it's just OK to do it, but not optimal. I emailed Steve Hurwitz to see what he had to say. Got an email off someone called Joe who found my web site through the Living Foods board. He first of all said that some weeks ago he was trying to register rawcreation.com, but it was taken. Then he saw my shazzie.com web site and realised I owned Rawcreation, so felt it was enough of a connection to dig deeper. I don't usually feel very strange when I get emails from people who've found my site, (as I get quite a lot), but this man has some significance. I wonder what? He says: "I am excited by your success and inspired by your dogged determination. The fact that people like you, who think like you are doing this has made me very confident that this is the right path for me, whatever it holds." I love it when people find my web site at a time that's right for them, it makes it so worthwhile. Sunday 22nd October 2000 Went to London today with Karen to meet Jade and Dionne to have a goodbye for Jade. She's going to work for NFL in a couple of days! Had a wheatgrass juice and a green juice at Jonathan's juice bar, RAW, in Spitallfield's market. That perked me up a bit. I was feeling quite dramatic about not eating and being in energy-sapping London. We went to see The Cell (I didn't want to), at the London Palladium, and the seats were fake lepoardskin! I nibbled at some young coconut until Dionne put me straight. She said I'd come this far, and it'd be a shame to ruin it now. Good girl! The girls got frozen durian and ate it in the foyer of the cinema, and loads of people kept peering round the corner to see what the smell was. We were just outside the loos so they probably thought someone had done a horrible poo in there! I sat there not envious about not eating. I'm not sure how I'd have felt if it was fresh durian, though! When we all said goodbye, Dionne hugged me and said: "It's like cuddling thin air". I am very thin at the moment! Good luck to Jade in America! Aw, another one leaves these shores... Tuesday 24th October 2000 Well, one more day of not eating, then I'm having figs, I think. Then oranges. Or maybe oranges, then figs? What a dilemma! Went to bed for half of the day and then did some gentle tidying up. I've got someone to move into the spare room. She's called Maxine, and will move in in about a month or so. Thursday 26th October 2000 There's been a train crash and it's caused all the trains in the country to go slow while a load of junctions are fixed. I've managed to get a refund for my journey to Cornwall and we're going to drive. Well, I'm looking forward to 8 or 10 hours driving! I wish Karen had a car sometimes! There are so many transport things going on at the moment. This reliance people have on the threads of society is being tested, but I wonder if anyone notices? I do feel tired after eating yesterday. Quite disoriented. Funny how even though it's raw, the combinations make you feel like you've eaten cooked! I got that feeling yesterday when I ate my first avo in a week. Fat? Tonight I feel more like me again, my morning migraine went after I gave myself Reiki, and I've even done some work tonight! Friday 27th October 2000 I just want to eat fat, which is how I felt when I broke my fast. How strange. I've not eaten any olives or dried food yet, but did have a few macadamias! Oh, I had a mango for breakfast. So sweet and dribbly. I feel I'll be going through a mango thing next week. I paid another visit to a charity shop today -- that's another mucoid layer of bric-a-brac out of my house! Saturday 28th October 2000 Holiday day!!! Went to Tesco to do our shopping for the journey down and then picked Karen up. She's been doing her VAT returns all night and has barely slept. She got it in the post at 11.59 -- one minute before the postman came and today was her deadline. Oh, at least she can have a week off now, except for one article that she's got to write. When we got to Cornwall, Karen lent me a book to read while I was there: The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. It was a beautifully written story of an Andalucian shepherd who went off to foreign shores find his treasure, only to discover it was back in Andalucia, under his favourite tree. I loved the book. Here's a cracking quote, when the Alchemist was dishing out gold: "This is for you" he said, holding one of the parts out to the monk. "It's for your generosity to the pilgrims." "But this payment goes well beyond my generosity," the monk responded. "Don't say that again. Life might be listening, and give you less next time." Beautiful book. Next

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