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"You're e-diary really helped and inspired me in my raw journey, and I never got to thank you for that, so thank you." -- Nisha, Oxford, UK In a nutshell... Worked for hours and days and nights and weekends getting the business set up. Went to seminars on how to run a small business and stared at the finance bloke with wide rabbit eyes. I wonder why money makes no sense to me. I'm kind of dyslexic with numbers. Even adding 2 numbers together can sometimes involve me using my fingers. I wonder if that will improve. I also wonder if my singing will improve. It hasn't yet, as many people have been so kind to point out. I'm still not used to working in the mornings because for the last 3 and a half years I had to work late hours to be a bit in synch with my California colleagues -- so that's odd for me. I'm so productive at 8pm, but I'm a floaty mess before noon. Hmm -- must consider clients here! Saturday 1st July 2000 I finished my online journal yesterday. Funny, coz when I first started it, I thought I'd do this maybe for a month. Well, after a month I thought I'd do it for 3 months. Well, after 3 months although I felt raw, I didn't feel like my transition had completed and I was getting so many good emails about the journal that I couldn't stop. So, like a woman possessed, I ended up documenting my life in public for the whole half of this year. So, the next load of ramblings are kind of journals -- not so personal, but still documenting my journey to living a lighter life... I have to say that most of the time it's been a joy to do, and the emails I get make it all worthwhile. However, BLIMEY it was sometimes a strain to keep it up to date -- especially considering my recent life-changing events. But I did it, and yesterday I did it for the very last time. PHEWEY! Happy half birthday to me!! I think I'm a bit too skinny at the moment, but this detox isn't over yet. My ex boss Ray said to me today: "Eurgh, when you bend over your back looks like the woman out of Species". Some questions that arose from this 6 month transition, and my answers "Are you in a cult?" -- I was asked this a few times! If you look at the dictionary definition, then I can honestly say "No". However, if your definition of the word cult is: "happy, will never go back, different person, want different friends, want to live in a different place, want to distance yourself from negative people" then how can I say it's not a cult? As soon as I say "No, it's not a cult, no, I'm not brainwashed" then some will take that as evidence that it is. I'd turn it around -- what I'm doing now is more natural than what the majority of the population are doing -- I'm eating as nature intended which has opened up so many other doors for me. So I'd ask cooked people if they're in a cult! Aren't cooked people the ones who are kept oppressed by the negative emotions that their food and environment gives them? This is a tricky one because any lifestyle that isn't understood can be labelled a cult, but if you get thrown this question then it's probably the accuser's own insecurities coming into play. You've been strong enough to look for the truth while they've sat there in front of their telly, getting fat, ill and depressed on pizza and pies -- how would you rather live? If you decide you'd rather live the raw way then it really doesn't matter what others call it. Anyway -- the time is right for millions of people to do this, and when that happens -- when it's a majority, the words cult and raw food won't ever be mentioned together again. "Where do you get your (insert nutrient here) from?" is fired at me all the time. So much so that I want to produce a credit card-sized concertina fact file that raw people can dish out when asked these questions! After reading lots, I'm still not a scientist and don't want to be. My first answer now is "Nature gives me it when I need it" -- this is the instinct in me talking because, after all, my body is just that of another animal on this earth. No other animal measures out the amounts of vitamins, protein, fat, carbohydrates and minerals that humans seem obsessed with doing (and getting wrong). I also say to people that they only need to worry about the content of nutrients because so much of this is destroyed or distorted beyond recognition by cooking. When a cooked person who is in perfect health asks me this question, then I'll worry! "Your diet's so limited, don't you get bored?" To that I say "Your diet's so complicated. Don't you get confused? How do you get everything done in a day?" This diet isn't limited -- there are fruits and wild plants galore when you open your eyes and look for them. When you've been raw for a while, even 2 apples from the same tree taste so different from each other. All good raw plant foods gives you a special boost when you eat them. When I eat now, I savour every last drop -- I eat so slowly and carefully because what I'm ingesting is making me feel so good I like that feeling to last. I can't compare that to the times I've stuffed chips in my mouth just so the starch addict in me could get her next hit. Cooked food now has no flavour to me -- there's a texture there, but the food is so horribly drying, I can't eat it without suffering. "You must have so much willpower. I couldn't do it." Those 2 always go together. "I couldn't do it" often means "I want to fit in with society, I don't want to lose my comfort food because I'm addicted to it and it fills a big emotional gap in my life." If someone says they couldn't eat raw, then ask them why they're so special and different from all of the other creatures on this planet. As soon as they're detoxed, of course they can do it. If they don't want to, that's a different matter. I'd then ask "Why don't you want to achieve ultimate health and happiness?" The sad fact is that many people survive on misery -- people are scared to be happy because it's not something they're comfortable with. The good thing is that when you are raw, then happiness becomes second nature after a while and you're very comfortable with it. Willpower only comes into play in the very early days. When you're addicted to the cooked food that you've eaten several times each day of your life, of course you'll have cravings. When you're a pre menstrual woman you'll get them. When you feel down you'll get them. But what does succumbing to cravings resolve? It just puts me a few steps back. I'm never going to succumb to another craving, as I can't bear the after-affects of eating cooked food. Ooooh, you've lost so much weight. Don't lose any more, you'll disappear." This is a very serious one because the people closest to you -- your loved ones say this out of genuine concern. There are several answers that I give to this: "I'm detoxing. As soon as I get all this cooked rubbish out of my body, I will go back to my natural weight. What that is, I don't know as this is the first time in my long life that I've eaten naturally. We'll just have to wait and see, but isn't it interesting?" "You're comparing me to charts devised by cooked nutritionists and doctors. Of course I'll be a different weight to the average western person, I'm made of real stuff now. My diet is much lighter as it's not had the water cooked out of it and I assimilate or pass everything. Other people store pounds and pounds of toxins around their body because the body can't recognise the "food" to be able to process it. That's unnatural weight and therefore not relevant to me" "Isn't it interesting that the latest UK stats say that the average woman's clothes size is now a 14? That means the whole of our population is getting fatter because of the junk they consume -- no wonder you think I look so thin!" "If this is a natural diet, then it must be a natural weight" "I could show Weight Watchers a thing or two!" However, none of the above answers help when I can't find clothes small enough for me. I'm a bit smaller than a size 8 right now, and thanks to the rising size of UK women, it's harder than ever to get small clothes. "You must have had to give up a lot for this diet/lifestyle." I love this one! "Yes, I've had to give up loads", I tell them. They become intrigued, thinking they've cornered me. "I've had to give up weight-watching, mediocrity, depression, bad joints, bad eyesight, confusion, tiredness, hours in the kitchen, starch addiction a high risk of cancer and other western ailments -- it's endless." I've given all these bad things up and received so many good things in return. The biggest thing I've received is an understanding of true peace and beauty, and I wouldn't give that up for the world. If you're going raw and get faced with loads of questions, then try answering them with a question -- make people look at their lives and maybe you'll be planting a little raw viable seed... Tuesday 4th July 2000 I met my mum in Norwich for a shopping trip. I've not seen her for 2 months and the first thing she did after hugging me was open my mouth like a vet looking at a horse "Let's see your teeth" she said. I think she thought they'd have all fallen out and she was amazed that that they hadn't! Mothers. Aren't they funny? We were walking over to the market and I smelled a disgusting smell -- and my mum goes "Cor, that smells lovely!" It was a pig roasting on a spit in the middle of the street.... gross eh! So, I'm going to get a pollution mask so those smells don't get in me again... Wednesday 5th July 2000 Oranges are the only fruit that I could never eat. I could put a segment in my mouth and suck it dry but I had to spit the chewy skin stuff out. I've tried many times to eat oranges as I love the taste, but the texture just put me on edge. Anyway -- 2 days ago I decided to eat one -- it was just sat on my desk looking at me. And I ate it. All of it. I've never eaten an orange before! Then I ate another one. Cor, it was such a liberating experience. And then today I was at a marketing seminar and there was some fruit laid on. There were some lychees which have always reminded me of snot and I've never liked them (but unlike oranges, I could actually swallow them). As I was on a bit of a fruit roll I thought I'd try them -- low and behold, they were blimming gorgeous -- like swimming behind the perfume slick of a gentle old woman doing the breast stroke in a purple hat. Or something. Maybe I'll start getting a liking for housework soon, too... When I was at the seminar, the geezer doing the course said "What was that Jimmy Saville quote for driving?" So I said "Clunk click every trip" and he said "I don't know how you knew that, you're not old enough" So I go: "I'm older than I look, it's my diet." He laughed, saying I always have to get that one in. Thursday 6th July 2000 Finally finished my Rawcreation.com web site tonight. Saturday 7th July 2000 Went to the love parade in Leeds today. I had a lovely time -- I boogied my little socks off and when it started raining I put on my red waterproof poncho and boogied a bit more. (While many of the people around me were so off their heads they just looked monged out and weren't enjoying themselves at all). I went back to the hotel for a bit and then went out clubbing where some skanky bastard stole £35 from me. And I chased after them shouting "Come back here you thieving git" but couldn't identify them in the crowd... so I went back to the hotel and went to bed. But I'm not annoyed about the thief because if he needs to steal money from people then he'll get his if he hasn't already. Sunday 8th July 2000 I'm glad I don't do all that drug stuff because everyone else looked so wrecked this morning while I was up bright and early reading a book in the bath and relaxing. Oh, I became a bit of a heroine on the train home. I'm so pleased with myself. We got on the train about an hour before departure and there was no-one else on it. The train soon filled up until it was overflowing. Some people kept coming up to us and the people around us, saying that we were sitting in their seats. We couldn't work this out as there were no reservation signs. I just kept telling people to tell the guards to put them in first class as it was the train company's fault, not ours. It wouldn't be on for people to move when they got there in plenty of time and they'd have to stand for 4 hours. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the guard wouldn't let a girl with a reserved ticket into first class so he went over to the people behind us and attempted to eject them from their seats. Everyone was arguing with him and shouting at him "It's not fair" etc. I kept quite, just being very interested in the way the arguments were going. This went on for about 10 minutes until the couple eventually conceded. I didn't think that was right so I said to the guard "These people have done nothing wrong, so you can't penalise them. Your company made the mistake so you must put this girl or this couple in first class as neither of them deserve to lose a seat". And he did it, with absolutely no argument! I couldn't believe it as I didn't think I said anything special, but I did say it in a very calm but instructive voice. I think the reason I'm so impressed with myself is because I'd have been shouting at him alongside everyone else and maybe even punching him a few months ago! When he took the girl to the first class carriage I got cheered by everyone around me. Then, because I'm so skinny at the moment, I moved up on my seat to let someone else who was standing take the weight off his feet. It's not on to make people stand for 4 hours and still charge them the same. You have to make a stand with these companies or they just take liberties, don’t they? I was still so full of energy when I was on the train that I chattered all the way home while everyone else tried (but failed!) to sleep! I did have a sore throat with being near all my smoking mates, though. I wish they didn't smoke. Wednesday 12th July 2000 Everything is changing so fast for me, I feel like I'm at a fairground in the hall of mirrors and reality is distorted out of all recognition. I couldn't publish this section of my journal until my head was straighter as I wasn't sure I'd make it through the other side. I think if people knew what was going on in my head, they'd cart me off to the funny farm -- and the last thing they'd want to do is go raw! I feel recently that something has opened up in me and instead of just empathising with people (which I've always done) I feel like I can show a way. It's a bit alien to me as I find myself talking without experience and that's never something I'd have done before, but now I'm just feeling the right way so much. When I type, it's very interesting to see what comes out of these fingertips at times -- I do shock myself! I was thinking about spirits today. I've always felt the presence of spirits. For example, my old dog Toby sat with me on a settee one night when I couldn't sleep (he'd been dead for only a few weeks). Many many times I see spirits, usually by my bed. Since going raw this hasn't changed -- no more or less. What has changed is my flowering instinct -- blimey -- I had the worst instinct in the world. If I liked someone they turned out to be evil, if I though something was good it turned out to be bad. Now, my instinct draws me to what is right for me at the moment while travelling this path. Path to where? Well, I can't even go into that, but what I do know is that I feel more spiritually porous. Hmm -- not easy to explain but kind of like stuff's getting into me -- in through my skin...and it feels so good and pure and real. I'm stopping there before you think I'm crackers... Monday 17th July 2000 As predicted by our wonderful moon (!), I came on in the night. This morning I wasn't getting much pain and then it hit me hard. I couldn't work -- I tried a bath and lavender massage but to no avail. I didn't want to remain in bed. Something drew me to the computer where I typed menstruation and yoga in a search engine box. I found yoga.com's "Quiet Menstruation" yoga exercises which I printed out and did. Barely a minute into the first one the pain washed away. As I went through the exercises the pain came back only whilst changing positions and it wasn't for long. Only once was it bad enough for me to think "Stick with it" and after that one the pain went completely. I was left feeling stiller than ever. I felt magical and wonderful. I think before I was raw, every time I looked for an answer it seemed wrong. This morning I was just thinking about all the times I've tried yoga over the years since I was 16, with a book, video, teacher -- never did it feel right -- but today -- wow, that felt so powerful. I think it's just the right time for everything in the world. Thursday 20th July 2000 Went shopping with Hannah. I was compelled to buy Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkle. I used to listen to it all the time as a kid, as my mum and dad had it on vinyl. When I got home me and Hannah sat in the back garden sunbathing listening to it. She fell asleep while I sang to the whole thing (quietly so I didn't hurt her ears too much). I was thinking about all the puddings I used to eat when I first went raw. I don't really eat them any more, I tend just to eat the fruit as a whole thing. It's a good transition food because several fruits combined provides the complex flavours that you're used to. I just naturally went off them once I was able to listen to what my body wanted. Wednesday 26th July 2000 My stars told me I'd get a new contract this week and I just went out and got one. Ha! Thursday 27th July 2000 Woke up with a migraine and diarrhoea, I had a sore throat and felt sick, too. I knew my body wanted to fast -- this was its way of telling me. I thought about my workload. Not just stuff for my clients but my administration and all my other projects. My painting. Housework (well there's always a first!). How can I fast and do all that I need to do? From what I've read you shouldn't commit yourself to anything for the fasting period as you may well need to stay in bed. I also thought of my food delivery that was due tonight. What would I do with a week's worth of food if I fasted? And there was a Fresh meeting tonight. And I had a ripe, ready durian in the garage. So even though my body was desperate to fast, my mind overrode it due to practical material earth-bound considerations. Went to the Cambridge Fresh meeting tonight. It was quite full, with Tony paying us a royal visit. I bought some durian for us to share after everyone had gone. I also made a salad from my garden of 3 types of lettuce, lavender mint leaves and flowers, spearmint, chives and chive flowers, parsley, basil, normal mint and dill thinnings -- we had it with chopped avo and tomato, another leafy salad and nori. We talked about how we see things differently now we're raw. It was a good one. These local support groups are so important to people going and staying raw. I'd like to see more of them spring up in the UK (and the world!). Woke up with a migraine and diarrhoea, I had a sore throat and felt sick, too. I knew my body wanted to fast -- this was its way of telling me. I thought about my workload. Not just stuff for my clients but my administration and all my other projects. My painting. Housework (well there's always a first!). How can I fast and do all that I need to do? From what I'd read you shouldn't commit yourself to anything for the fasting period as you may well need to stay in bed. I also thought of my food delivery that was due tonight. What would I do with a week's worth of food if I fasted? And there was a Fresh meeting tonight. And I had a ripe, ready durian in the garage. So even though my body was desperate to fast, my mind overrode it due to practical material earth-bound considerations. At the Fresh meeting I measured my fat percentage -- 20%. I wondered where it was hiding itself. A couple of days ago I decided to do a Reiki course in September. The lady teaching it, Mandy, is a Fresh member. I gave her my form and cheque tonight. She said that now I've made the commitment to do it things will change for me. I'll probably detox to make space for it. Cor, you're not kidding, Mandy!   Friday 28th July 2000 I'm getting more concerned about being with Stevie. I don't think it's necessary for couples to go raw together -- I'm sure they can survive happily, one being raw, one being cooked. But the changes I've been going through aren't totally down to what I eat, they're everything to do with me. But the gap between us gets bigger and bigger every day. I love him to bits but it's getting harder and harder to reach him sometimes because I've been all around this raw mansion and all that it offers and he's still standing at the doorway not wanting to set foot inside. He did say he'd try going raw for a month in April but he didn't do it. I don't think there's any hope with him doing it. And it's not like he hasn't seen the improvement in me... I don't know what to do. It's unfair to pressurise him into changing his life just because I've changed mine. Oh, I wouldn't change being raw for the world but this... this isn't what I expected, I don't think... Oh, and it's a new moon on Monday which means loads of change -- I can't cope with any more change!! On a better note -- After a conversation with my dad about his diabetes, he's upped amount of his raw food. He said "I'll always have to take insulin" and I told him he wouldn't. If he went raw then there's the chance he could be cured, but the choice was his: if he wants to listen to negative doctors who don't understand the basics of how "food" affects the body then he probably would be on insulin all his life. He's recently become so pissed off with doctors (he even refused an operation the other week!) that his normal skepticism for anything that comes out of my mouth was strangely absent this time. So now in the 3 or 4 weeks that he's been eating more raw (only fruit until noon, then salady stuff -- still with a bit of fish and meat but no eggs and dairy) his blood sugar level has halved and he's reducing his insulin. Isn't that great? He said he went to the clinic yesterday and they weighed him -- he'd lost 7lb and they asked what he'd done differently so he said "I'm not on a diet, I've just changed the food I eat." They won't even dare to send him to the dietician now as he's said "I could tell them a thing or two!" So my parents reckon they're about 75% raw and are getting results like this. Blimey, there's hope. Every time I ate today I felt bad, but I was convinced I didn’t have the time to fast. The food just stayed in my tummy -- my body telling me that it didn’t want to digest it. I ate very lightly and my last meal was at about 7.30. I couldn't concentrate on my admin work and looking at my computer screen made me feel ill. I decided to start my painting. I did that for about four hours and the time just flew by. I felt like I'd never painted before. Each brush stroke was different to the last -- Miss Consistency was having a hard time reconciling this! But the act of mixing colours, applying them and even washing the brushes made me feel comfortably connected with something that I thought I'd lost. My first raw painting may end up a mess but I'll love it more than all my other paintings put together. Later in the afternoon I chatted to Nina. It's not very often I find someone that talks more than me. She's just completed a 6 or 7 day fast and so was on a high. Oh look -- another signpost for me to fast. No, I don't have the time. Every time I ate today I felt bad, but I was convinced I didn't have the time to fast. The food just stayed in my tummy -- my body telling me that it didn't want to digest it. I ate very lightly and my last meal was at about 7.30. Saturday 29th July 2000 When I woke up this morning, I felt like my last meal was still in my stomach. We went out for a while and I felt full of energy. I was singing (quietly, no-one wants to hear my voice!) and running. When we got home I ate a small mango and soon after felt quite queasy. My body's not giving up this time. There's something it wants to get out of my system. I went and sat in the sun all afternoon, doing more of my painting. That felt wonderful. As I ate my evening salad and a few dates afterwards (I finished eating at 8pm), I knew it wouldn't have left my stomach by the morning. Sunday 30th July 2000 Day 1 of fast I slept 9 and a half hours last night. Wow. That's some going these days. I weighed myself: 7 stone 10 (108lb). As predicted, I feel like I've got a brick in my stomach. I've made my mind up that I'm not going to eat today. If I feel like eating tomorrow then I might. I've got 2 clients to see this week so I must be in some kind of shape to see them. I need to drive. I feel so not hungry and food has no appeal to me. How different would this naturally occurring fast be to an induced one? I feel it may be easier as I have absolutely no desire to eat. I just want to rest and sunbathe -- which is what I'm doing! I don't even want to wash but I suppose I should. It feels good now that I've given myself permission to do it -- and to rest. Today, I did nothing that I didn't want to do. I had a nice bath and then we went for a lovely walk in a National Trust park. There were a lot of trees and there was even some uncut meadows. Beautiful, they were. I felt a bit fizzy in my body, and quite floaty but not hungry. Food just seems alien at this point. In the evening I realised that I still felt a bit sick throughout the day. But I then got loads of energy and felt like cleaning the house (but didn't!). I did a poo at 9pm -- I don't usually go at night. It's my eldest nephew's birthday in a couple of days so I was up all night buying and making him a web site. Well, he'll be 10 so he should have one! Monday 31st July 2000 Day 2 of fast Got woken up by the noisy kids next door. I know they can't help it, but is there any need for them to scream and shout at 7.30 every morning in their back garden which is just under my window? I'm sleeping with the window open to get more air and closing it when the kids wake me, but by then it's too late to go back to sleep. Am I getting cranky? This morning after waking, I went to the loo and did a really orange wee. I weighed myself -- I've lost 4lb in one day. At 9.20 I did a poo. There was lots of it and it was quite mucousy. Quite soft for what I'm used to. At 9.30 I went for a little walk to the post office. First, I forgot the letters and had to go back for them, then I forgot to ask for a receipt for my stamps. Luckily, the shop woman asked me if I wanted one. It took 40 minutes all in all and was a bit too much for me. When I got back I just relaxed for a while before working. My co-ordination has really taken a hit. I'm functioning at about 60% of my normal capacity today. Did some deep breathing which really helped me focus. I'll continue with that during my fast if I start to lose it. When I stand I feel dizzy -- heady. I'm able to work but have no inclination to do so. I want to lie down and do nothing. I just want to be. Had a look at my tongue to see if it was furry but it looks normal. Wonder why it's not coated? I can feel my kidneys. They're not in pain but I can feel them. Visited some clients and felt fine when driving. They thought my fasting was a bit worrying, but were really sweet about it and got me some water. When I got home I sunbathed for an hour. When I was laying on my front a butterfly landed on my heel and sat there for about 10 minutes. This never happened to me when I was cooked. It was beautifully tickly. A foot fetishist butterfly -- how nice. In the evening I went out to see my mate Karen (A). I expected a bit of a lecture so let her get on with it. "I don't want to come and visit you in hospital", "fasting's not normal". I tried to explain but didn't have the energy. Also, it's not something I feel I can explain as it's my first one -- what experience do I have to go on? I'm not going to quote other people at her. Apart from that we had a good girlie natter. Haven't seen her in a while so we did have a lot of catching up to do. I got home at 11pm -- I was physically tired but not sleepy. I went to sleep at about 12.30. I had absolutely no hunger all day, but did get a slight increase in thirst. Next

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