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"WOW !!!! I've just spent the whole afternoon reading your transition journal and I thank you very, very much for the support! I've been meaning to go fully raw for months (I've been 75% for nearly 6 years) and I've been so thrilled to find various raw websites and then your story. ...I've been eating all raw for 2 weeks now, and your encouragement is just what I needed. I'm so excited that I've been almost dancing around the house! Then raving to my husband when he came home." -- Miranda, Los Angeles, USA In a nutshell... Fasted, saw an iridologist, had a mild herbal cleanse, got a colonic. Lots of stuff had shifted within me and I felt like I need a good scraping out to remove it! I had big problems concentrating on work. My spirit was somewhere else. I was not aligned this month! Tuesday 1st August 2000 Day 3 of fast I woke at 2am, needing a poo but couldn't do one. I had a wee but couldn't see the colour as my eyes were shut and it was dark anyway. I went back to sleep until 8am. I got up at 8.30 for a wee but forgot to look at the colour. I've only lost 1lb since yesterday. My stomach feels sick. I feel tired but not sleepy. At 9.30 I did a poo. There's still lots there even though I've not eaten for 57 hours. I'm sure it should all be gone by now. I did some work but took it easy. I went to get my legs waxed and was chatting to my lovely beautiful beauty therapist Kelly about life and everything. She said she loved me as none of her other clients are like me! Bless her, I love her too. I told the owner of the salon about my fast. Big mistake. One girl asked if it was dangerous and the salon owner was off. All puffed up and blustery, I could see her colour change: "It's very dangerous, your body need fuel. I should know, I'm food, she's web." Excuse me? Is that all I'm about? I didn't realise I was only allowed to know about the web and nothing else. In fact, I know my interest in food and its relationship with health far outweighs my interest in the web! How shallow would I be if that was all that I was about? Thankfully, this fast has given me great peace and I have no inclination to argue with anyone so I just said to the girl who asked "If you're doing it for the right reasons and not to disguise an eating disorder, then it's not dangerous, it's very beneficial. My body needed to fast and I'm so in touch with it that I'm listening. But it's quite complicated so I won't go into it". Then I left. Hmmmm. I must stop being so open with people, so many people are threatened by me doing stuff to me. I can't figure that one out. I then had a meeting at 2pm with a potential client. I thought I shouldn't tell him I'm fasting, as he might react like the last person. When we met I said "Oh, if I seem a bit odd it's because I'm fasting". Well, that was not telling him, wasn't it, Holdstock? We went for a drink and started chatting. It turns out that he was a Buddhist Monk until a couple of months ago. I thought that there must be some significance to our meeting. I felt he had something to offer me. I quoted him for his web site but didn't think he'd go for it. Even though I quoted him cheaper than I would a big company, I'm not the cheapest designer in the world -- I still need to pay my mortgage. I bought some books while I was in town, Sixth Sense, an Astanga yoga book and an erotic poetry book. Don't know why. Just felt like it, I suppose. I've gone right off sex while fasting. I think Stevie's in a mood about that. I can feel my liver today. Or something. Did a lot of burping today, but it wasn't acidic or anything, just little bubbly burps. I rang my nephew to say happy birthday to him. I got chatting to my sister, Jennie. I told her about my fast and she seemed really interested. We haven't had a chat for ages. I miss her but I suppose we always know we're there for each other. In the evening we watched Fight Club. It's the third time I've seen it. I love that film. I went to bed at 11 and sleep at 12, again, I was tired but not sleepy. My eyes were rolled back in my head, like when you sleep or meditate or are unconscious. I love this sense of peace. Wednesday 2nd August 2000 Day 4 of fast I woke up at 7.30 and it was bliss. There was no noise coming from next door. What a difference it makes. Had a slight migraine accompanied by flashing lights. Laid still for half an hour until my eyes felt normal. My tongue was a bit white today and I can see a scar on there when I burnt it on some hot food years ago. It seems so alien to me now to think about eating hot food! I need to work today but don't want to so I'll get it all done this morning and then sit in the sun later. I've lost 3lb, that's 7lb in total. There's still no sign of hunger, in fact my stomach still feels full. I can hear my heartbeat in my right ear so loud it's disturbing my peace. I heard it a few weeks ago and thought that it was a detox thing. It must be as it's louder now I'm fasting. When I was working I started to hyperventilate so I went to lie down for a few minutes. I've done this plenty before so I know how to stop it. When I'd got back to normal I did some breathing which centred me, or did something good anyway. I seem to be cold, and so sensitive to noise and touch. I'm jumpy as well. At 11am I had to lie down for a while. I had 3 layers of quilts on, and a towelling dressing gown and felt really cold. I can taste metal and it makes me more determined to get my amalgam out when I can afford it. I couldn't read, but was glad that I couldn't. I just wanted to relax. I felt so good mentally, so relaxed. I can feel a lump in my tummy, and I still feel full. Stevie rang me from work and started nagging me. He asked how long the fast was going to go on for. He said that he doesn't want to end up financially supporting me because I'll always be fasting. He spends less time in bed than me and he eats cooked food etc. If raw is better for you then why am I like this? He said I was wasting my time but I said I wasn't as I was enjoying myself, loving it, in fact. He said that I am wasting my time because I'm not doing anything. I said I like not doing anything sometimes -- that's the difference between us. I really didn't even want to defend myself. I just thought that this is my house, my life, my body. If I want to take some time out to get myself well, or even just to take some time out, why shouldn't I? We're not all focused workaholics. Some of us have other interests (excluding football!). I didn't want to deal with this type of negativity, and I don't want negative attitudes around me right now. Well, not ever, actually. It worked out that I did 6 hours work today -- how's that wasting time? At about 5.30 I'd run out of water so I had to go to the shop to buy a couple of bottles. That was difficult, they felt like they weighed a ton each. I struggled back to my car with the water and went off for a deep tissue massage. The girl who was massaging me was lovely. She was high raw for about a year a while ago. We chatted about it. She told me she felt isolated from society when raw, and she also didn't feel too great. I wondered if it was because she ate tofu and stuff. From what people have said to me, it seems that high-raw people have quite a hard time, whereas 100% raw people have it really easy after they've detoxed. I wonder if it's because a high-raw body is pure enough to know it doesn't want cooked food so it reacts strongly against it somehow? The massage was gorgeous and it made me feel even more relaxed. She told me that I might have a problem grounding myself on raw food. I said that I've already had that problem, and explained how I overcame it. She told me that if she has a day where she can't ground herself now, she wears red knickers! Makes sense to me. I got home at 8.30 and rang my parents. I didn't tell them about the fast as I don't want to deal with any more negativity. I'll tell them when it's over. At 9.30 I felt pleasantly tired and so peaceful. It's a beautiful feeling. My tummy's rumbling but I don't feel at all hungry. I went to sleep at 10.30. Stevie asked me how long I was going to fast for. I honestly don't know but guess maybe 7-10 days so said that. He expressed concern that I might become too high and oblivious to want to break it. I can understand his concern given the way lies about nutrition are spread. So we made a deal. If I get to day 10 and am still not hungry, I'll break the fast anyway. He said "What if you refuse to break it at that point. Can I force food down you?" Well, the thought of anyone forcing me to do anything makes me cringe so I just said "I will eat, regardless of how I feel." I was then wide awake and he was sleepy so he went to sleep while I lay there for two hours thinking about what to break my fast with. I fancy a papaya but haven't had a good one all year and would hate to break the fast with something I don't like. I think oranges -- my food delivery man Derek is delivering some tomorrow so I'll put them outside in the sun until I'm ready to eat them. I think I got to sleep at about 1am. Thursday 3rd August 2000 Day 5 of fast Woke up at 8.30. For the first time during my fast I didn't have the window open last night. I went to lay in the other bedroom for a bit. I feel sick in the top of my gut. I weigh 7 stone 1 (99lb) -- that's 9lb less than at the start of the fast. I still felt a bit of a migraine and can taste coffee. My tongue hasn't changed colour. I wonder how toxic I am. I needed a poo -- I could feel my bowels moving but couldn't do one. I'm not using an enema -- I think I'd pass out if I stuck something up my bum*! I worked for about half an hour and started to hyperventilate again. Unfortunately, Stevie hadn't gone to work yet so I had to really control it as I didn't want him to worry. Mornings are getting more difficult as I just want to lie down in peace. As I went to lie down outside, I hoped I didn't have to do much more work today. Had a lovely day in the end. Read a bit, did some work, and then went off to (Fresh) Karen's house. I weighed myself on her fat scales, they said 20% body fat which is the same as it said before my fast. That's interesting. We watched some Caroline Myss videos, which were really good. We'd decided to start going to yoga classes a couple of weeks ago, and tonight was our first one. We walked to yoga and I felt better than I had done when walking from my car to the shop yesterday. I thought I shouldn't tell the yoga teacher I was fasting, as she might have thrown me out. It was beautiful. Such a calm and peaceful experience. We then went back to Karen's. Her food delivery was there so we unpacked it and I looked forward to seeing mine at home. I drove home thinking that I'd break the fast tomorrow as food looks and smells appealing to me now. I've also got to go to London with my mate on Saturday and I don't think I'll be in much of a state to shop if I've not eaten for 7 days. But I don't know as I haven't done it before. Driving is so lovely while fasting, it's like feeling as if you're in space. In fact, it's all a bit like that. When I got home I looked in my food box and wondered where my oranges where. Then I remembered that I hadn't ordered any. Oh, I was so disappointed as they are so much nicer than the organic ones you get in the shops. I got home at about 11 but didn't get to sleep until 1am. Friday 4th August 2000 Break fast day Woke up at 7am because a big truck was driving down the road. Had to sleep with the window open. Stevie closed the window as it was so noisy and I wasn't tired at all so I practically leaped out of bed and went to the kitchen. I squeezed the juice out of a lemon and put it in a glass with some water. For the first time in over a week, my mouth watered when I smelled that lemon as I cut it. I sorted the bins as it's bin-men day. I never do this! Too much like housework for me. I've heard lots of stories of faster who purge their house once they've purged their bodies. I think it was time to break the fast because when I weighed myself this morning I hadn't lost anything yesterday. I think my body has done what it wants to do for now. I then took my weak lemon drink up to my office and did a bit of work (it probably wasn't work, I think it was egroup babbling). I felt loose skin in the back of my throat -- so I picked it off and looked at it. It was white, the same as I get in my mouth. Never had it in my throat before, though. I know that this fast won't cure my lung problems but I was encouraged that stuff was coming out from my respiratory bits. I also got some discharge from my girl's bits, it just came flooding out! Hopefully some future fasts will be longer and will clear me out more. At 8.02 I started to drink my lemon juice -- breaking my fast. It tasted nice. At 9.30 me and Stevie shared an organic cantaloupe melon. He got the bigger half but I finished it off for him. My first couple of mouthfuls were interesting. First of all I said "Mmm, food!", then in total shock I said "It tastes like chocolate!" -- I jokingly said later on the egroup that I'd transmuted my melon into chocolate. How strange that it tasted of chocolate and not melon. Maybe my taste buds were so clean that my brain interpreted sweetness as one of my earliest sweet memories? Or something. After I'd eaten, I went up to bed and read for about half an hour while I digested. Eating had made me tired. I also felt a little bit of a sore throat coming on! I could taste where the metal of the knife had cut the melon, too. I got on with some work and then at 11 I needed a poo. I hadn't done one for the last 2 days so I was intrigued at what was going to come out. There wasn't much and it was with water, but what came out was some small solid bits of poo surrounded by orange mucous and bits of something that looked like skin-tissue. I was fascinated by this and poked it around a bit to get a closer look! Then I got on with some work. Funny, it didn't smell foul -- it just smelled strange. At 11.45 I was tired so I rested for 15 minutes then thought I had an appetite for avocado and tomatoes. I cut up about 10 cherry tomatoes and one avocado and took it to bed to eat. I wasn't too impressed with the taste -- the tomatoes were nice but the avocado tasted fishy. I'm not sure if it was a not very nice one or if my taste buds weren't wanting it. Oh well. After I'd eaten it I had a horrible aftertaste of metal from the knife I'd used to cut it up. Normally I don't cut my avocados (except when I'm making dinner for someone else), so the fasting coupled with the metal knife was a bit of a shock. At 1pm I brushed my teeth with toothpaste, but I can still taste the knife and it's all a bit fishy tasting. Yuck! At 2.20 I could no longer resist my raw olives that had been sat waiting for me. I chose the jar that had the least salt in (Kalamata style Raw Power olives from Nature's First Law) and tried to open it. I couldn't. I thought to myself "I can never open jars, I'm so weak". So then I spent the next 5 minutes trying desperately to open it. I tried using a towel to grip, bashing the glass on my worktop and running hot water on the lid to expand the metal. Nothing worked. I thought "I'm not supposed to eat these now, they'll make me sick". And then I thought "No, wait a minute, you can open these, and you'll enjoy them". As soon as I thought that, the lid came off as if it was made of butter. And I lightly told myself off for being so negative and wasting time with the jar! So I got about 30 of them in a dish and took them upstairs to eat. I'm being such a hamster today with my bed business, but it's just what I want -- peace and comfort. Anyway, I ate the olives and loved each and every one of them. Was quite sad when there were no more in the dish, but I don't want to eat too much at a time as my stomach's probably only the size of a pea at the moment. Realised I was more excited about eating than hungry so didn't eat for a while after olives as I was full. Soon, the desire to eat for the sake of it went away. Oh, the ex Buddhist Monk rang me and wants me to do his web site for him. We're going to do a bit of an energy exchange for it. He's going to teach me how to balance myself a bit more. What a challenge! I knew there was a reason to this. I made a really big salad for tea. I don't know why it was so big, I just kept piling different leaves on and some avocado, and some tomatoes, and some olives (I've had half a jar today -- that's a bit greedy, isn't it?). I had a lot of herbs on my salad, which I really fancied, but the one I wanted the most was coriander -- and I don't usually like that. It's one of those intuitive things -- you eat stuff when you need it. I'd heard that coriander is really good for getting hold of toxins and marching them out of the body. So maybe I wanted it, and maybe that's why it tasted so nice. So I ate the massive salad and then read for a while in bed. Then at about 9.30 I had a massive craving for oranges. Why hadn't I ordered any from Derek? I decided to go to Tesco's but when I got there, there were no organic oranges! I even asked if there were any in storage. I needed them so much I finally compromised and bought 4 Tesco "finest" oranges. That's the best you can do in a desperate situation, isn't it? I ate 3 of them outside the shop at 10pm and went home and squeezed the other one into a litre of water. Saturday 5th August 2000 Food day 2 About 10 minutes after I woke up I did a poo. It was a normal amount again but it looked a bit sticky. I went to London to meet my mate Claudio and his mate Ian. On the train I ate an apple. I took the rest of my orange water with me and sipped it throughout the day. Now you can't go to London and not buy a durian, can you? We found a gorgeous one in Chinatown. The boys went off to get a KFC and I used Ian's Swiss army knife to prize out the beautiful fruit segments. They both tried some but weren't overly impressed with it. I'm not surprised, given the cack they usually eat. So we all sat in the park on a beautifully sunny day eating something that reminded us all vaguely of chicken... A bit later we went to another park and lay chatting. My durian hadn't moved from my stomach -- I could feel it all stuck. It was only a little one with 4 sections, too. When I got home I ate 2 peaches. That was me full for the day. Fast observations After the fast, I noticed that the cellulite on my bum has really decreased. The rest of my cellulite seems to have separated from whatever was holding it together. It seems looser. I've been massaging myself loads to loosen it even more. I noticed that the puffiness in my knees and ankles completely disappeared. I didn't realise what a nice shape my tree trunk legs were under all that water retention! However, after just over a week, it's come back again but not quite as bad. I lost 9lb on the fast. I put it all back on within about 10 days. Many fasters say that after someone's fasted they purge their house. I must be the world's worst housewife. But in the week after my fast, I've repotted my houseplants, cleaned the bathroom (twice!), cleaned all bedrooms and office, scrubbed the kitchen (I never do that, it's not my job), cleaned the downstairs loo room, vacuumed the stairs, washed my car and washed my hallway carpet...I don't think I'd normally do that in a year! Oh, and it felt so good! I love being clean on the inside! A few days after my fast I've tasted smoke coming up from my lungs. Not cigarette smoke -- fire smoke. I don't ever remember being in a fire (except for when I set my hair on fire at Christmas!). I wondered what that was all about. Conclusion I'm so glad I did this fast, I discovered an inner peace which has stayed with me so far. I feel like a tranquil lake in the English countryside in the summer. My mind feels bigger, more encompassing than before. A week after breaking the fast, I still don't feel like I'm digesting food much better and am seeking information on this as I write. I saw an iridologist who said that I don't have much stomach acid and don't produce many enzymes. She said that I'm doing the right thing with my raw diet and will recommend several things to me when I go back next week. I'll keep you posted. Quotes from raw friends about my fast "You just get better and better and give all us 'backsliders' such hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Actually I heard someone say the other day, don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, get down there and light the bloody thing yourself. So that's what I'm going to do." -- Jenny "Rainbows and Smiles to a triumphant Princess.....You have done more than fasting... you have been dancing with your Wisdom." -- Ruth "It's been interesting hearing of your fasting experience - how you sailed along peacefully, without encountering any detox storms -- I think it's been a refreshing read for most of us, and something we aspire to." -- Sai "You are an "über-woman" ... Weiter so (I think that means keep on doing what you do!!)" -- Silke Sunday 6th August 2000 I took it really easy today and ate 2 oranges for brekkie at about 11, then had a big leafy salad with lots of herbs, 2 tomatoes, only one avo and about 10 olives. It went down better than the food yesterday. Maybe I just forgot how much my stomach would shrink after fasting? I'll have 2 more oranges for my tea and I think that'll be my lot. Oh, I've gone right off mangoes! I've got a whole bowl of them outside and I just can't face them at all... Ended up doing nothing for about 8 hours as the food I've eaten has exhausted me. I think I should have been more regimented when I broke my fast. Tuesday 8th August 2000 Went to see an iridologist today. I've written all the details up here. Also bought a durian but it was off, the skin had gone pink as if it was kept in storage without being able to breathe. I'm going to take it back. How brave of me. Maybe they're going out of season or something? If they are I won't have to keep spending a fortune on them! Was tired this morning. Had a headache and everything. Felt good later -- got lots of work done and I also felt like tidying up (not like me!). Wednesday 9th August 2000 Eugh -- my neighbour was grilling sausages and I could smell them up here in my office. Gross -- and it's too hot to shut the window. And my stomach's delicate today. How can people eat burnt flesh? And enjoy it! Thinking about fat... I feel like I grind to a halt with nuts, but it doesn't stop me eating them sometimes. They're a lot drier and acidic than avos, olives and durian which make me feel just mmmmmmmmmmm. I've had 3 avos today (usually have 1 or 2) and feel no need to eat (pick) tonight while working (last meal was about 4pm and I worked right through the evening). Fat certainly stops me eating like a bird, pecking all day. After my fast all I wanted was fat. Dunno why.... I took my manky durian back to the shop and swapped it for a new one. I thought I'd park outside the shop on double yellow lines as I'd only be a minute, and the car park's a fair walk away and I justified it to myself that I shouldn't pay for a car park ticket to return something -- especially as it was already a 15 mile round trip. Anyway, I got out of the shop with my shiny new durian and there's a traffic warden loitering over my windscreen. "Bloody hell", I thought -- what an expensive durian this will be. So I went up to him and said "I was just returning something, I've only been a minute" and he says "You're not supposed to park on double yellows" So I said "But it wasn't my fault that something was off..." holding out my habitat bag with hedgehog-type fruit cushioned inside. "Not unless you're picking up something heavy..." he continued. "But this is heavy. Look!" I protested -- pushing my durian further towards him and fluttering my eyelashes. "That's not heavy" he said, rolling his eyes heavenward either because of the smell of the durian or because he'd heard it all before. "But I'm only little," I said, fluttering like mad now. So he says "Go on then...just this once." So, the moral of the story is always take a durian with you whenever you park on double yellows. And pack a spare pair of false eyelashes, too. Thursday 10th August 2000 Did loads of housework today, and really enjoyed it. I think it's a side-effect of my fast. Was going to take my exchanged durian to Karen's with hers and eat it but I couldn't face it. I took some apples round instead as that was all I was interested in eating. Though when she ate her durian I did sneak a few bites. Then we did yoga. We watched a good Caroline Myss video, too. What a full night and full tummies. Friday 11th August 2000 I had a lovely food day today... had 4 oranges in the morning, then a big green salad for dinner -- with mint, rocket, parsley, coriander, only one avo, 4 plum tomatoes and a few olives. Then I had an apple when I was sunbathing at about 5pm. Then I washed my car and at 7pm thought to myself "You deserve something really special now, girl" so I got my durian out and sat in the garden and ate about 3 sections of it. The flies wanted it, too but I shooed them off! At about 9.30pm I had about 10 more olives (a bit late to eat but hey, it's a Friday). I'm still suffering from food not digesting properly but am giving my tummy lots of massages which is helping until I decide what course of action to take (heaven forbid, I might go for a colonic or 2 -- ugh!!!) I've got a real test tomorrow. At my cousin's wedding everyone will be drunk and I'll have a lot of pressure on me to drink (pressure from me, not from others -- I don't suffer from that). I think I do it because I can't cope with seeing them drunk while I'm sober. I'm going to do my best to not drink, though. But if I do drink I won't beat myself up about it. This is a journey, and every time we slip there's a good reason behind it. Saturday 12th August 2000 We drove up to Hull today for my cousin's wedding reception. It was a lovely do, and we got there in the blazing sun. I was going to drive but as it was so hot we took Stevie's car so I could get a sun tan with the top of the car off. How lovely. I think his car just paid for itself today. I had a real craving for oranges so as soon as we got there I went into Safeways and bought all the organic oranges they had. Organic food in Hull --wow, what progress. When we got to the hotel the wedding dinner had happened, and I found my mum and dad. My mum dragged me round all my rellies saying "Do you remember our little Kicker?" (That's what my mum calls me). So all my millions of cousins are going "Sort of" and so am I. I've got such a big family on my dad's side, billions of Holdstocks. Everywhere. I saw my Auntie Irene who I hadn't seen for 20 years, as she lives in Perth, Oz. Anyway, she said I was welcome to go and stay whenever I wanted. Oooh. I'd love to go. I told her I was a fruitarian (it's sometimes easier to explain than raw fooder) but she didn't even know what that meant. Oh well. "Doesn't she look like Jennie?" she kept saying. That'll be because I've dyed my hair dark like her, then. And I'm her sister. I went to natter with my mum and dad in their hotel room while I was putting nail varnish on my toes. 2 of my aunties and an uncle were there and we were all just chatting. Then one of my aunties started commenting about how I was holding my feet. I had my toes all spread out, just like you do with your fingers. I didn't think anything of it, I was just making sure I didn't smudge my nail varnish. But they were all gobsmacked at it, so then everyone in the room took off their shoes and tried to spread their toes out. No one could do it, not even my dad (who's got such similar feet to me, you'd think we were related or something). So, as well as being big, they can do party tricks. In fact, I used to write with them when I was little, too. We had a nice meal in the restaurant -- I had a leafy salad with lots of herbs and avocado. We also shared a bottle of wine. I haven't drank for ages, but I thought I might drink this weekend -- it's tough being on a natural raw high when intoxicated people are all around you. The wine affected me quite quickly. Then we went into the wedding reception. My cousin Andrew and his wife Caroline both looked so beautiful -- they're only 20 and have been childhood sweethearts for years and years. How romantic. It must be so good to know you love someone that much to believe it can be forever. I danced a fair bit with my mum, dad and Stevie. Stevie got more drunk than me as I stopped after that half bottle of wine, but I just got really upset. I think it was after seeing my cousin on his love cloud and knowing that my thing with Stevie was nearly over. We went up to the room where I tried to peel an orange (eating to suppress emotions again) and we had a conversation about splitting up. But we didn't split up. This was obviously not the right time. I love Stevie and that's what makes it so hard, he's such a good person -- but I'm being guided away from him as he's not my path. I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it. Monday 14th August 2000 Found this on the web. "... the solar plexus is the emotional centre of the body and the transverse colon passes right through it. If an emotional event is left uncompleted, it often results in physical tension being stored in the solar plexus, which affects all organs of the area, including the colon. This on-going tightening of the colon muscle results in diminished movement of faecal material through the colon, which is experienced as constipation. Not only do colonics alleviate the constipation, they can assist you in creating a fully holistic view of your body's functioning, leading to a better quality of life." Colonic Association I think that fits with my thoughts that emotion holds back weight loss as we're not allowing our colons to function properly? Or am I talking tripe? Anyway, I've booked a colonic session. Will it be scary? I contacted a woman in Cambridge. She's a nutritionist, too so I hope she doesn't try to convince me to eat fish or something! I don't think she will (well, I know she won't convince me, but I don't think she'll try) as I spoke to her for a while and she was positive about the raw thing to me. So, it's on Friday at 10am. I told Ruth that if she gets a pain up her bum at that time it's because she's coming out in sympathy for me! I still can't believe I'm going to have it done. It's £65 for the first one, including consultation and it takes 2 hours, and then follow ups are £45 for about 1 to 1 and a half hours. But that's Cambridge where everything's expensive. She's got a mirror so I can get a good look when all the stuff comes out! I wondered about taking my camera... I couldn't be bothered to work today, so I went shopping instead. Work, I can't do that all the time these days, I feel like I'm hardwired to my computer sometimes and I just want to get out!! When I came home I sat in my garden and read, as I'd bought 3 books. I keep buying books at the moment -- they are jumping out at me from the bookshelves. Tuesday 15th August 2000 Spent most of today doing my painting. I've loved doing it, and getting into the flow of it. I can feel the world painting with me. I wonder when I'll finish it. I feel very premenstrual today, I shouted at a man who rang me up trying to sell me something -- I get so many phone calls a day from these people and it frustrates me because they don't get to the point when they speak so you just have to listen to what they say and then say "no" -- that's if they word it in a way that you can say "no". I really want to be on my own right now. In my premenstrual state I gorged about 20 Greek olives. They're quite salty so I'll probably get a headache. I can't go on not digesting food, having a blown up tummy and feeling poisoned by my own system. I think it's a waste of beautiful organic food to know it's not being properly assimilated by my body. I'm fed up with throwing mangoes away because they seem too sickly for me! (I've not eaten a mango for about 3 weeks and I used to love them.) Even though my energy levels have dramatically increased since going raw, I know I'm still not right inside, so I'm going to do everything I can to try to get perfect health. Ate some onion tonight and it's hurt my throat and made me feel ill. Might not have been the onion but I'm blaming it. Why, if I'm this pure now, is my tummy exploding? Food's so good at the moment in the summer with Derek my organic delivery man bringing me melons, peaches, plums and lots of greens. Mmmm. Someone on the egroup asked if anyone had cured tinnitus with raw food. I didn't think about it until they said, but that's one of my niggles that's disappeared. Cor! Thursday 17th August 2000 My digestion's been a bit better since making the colonic appointment. She'll probably look at me and go "There's nothing wrong with you, you hypochondriac". I should have just visualised the colonic and saved myself £65! She told me that she sells herbal cleanses and said my digestion problem may be an allergy to something -- so I hope she's not one of those people who just tries to sell me stuff coz I won't buy it! Stevie's up in Scotland, and I'm so glad because I really need to be alone right now. I'm such a hermit at times. It's so nice having my house to myself. Friday 18th August 2000 Had my colonic and wrote it up here. In the toilet there was a poster on the door, which I had to look at while I was pooing at the end. It was a cat hanging from a branch and it said underneath "Oh shit". Colon woman said that you have to have a sense of humour in this line of work... My house is spotless now, after having that colonic -- how fab! Lisa B came over tonight. When she came in I asked her if she was pregnant, as I thought she was. And she is! How lovely. I think this'll be the making of her. Wow. We nattered about a load of stuff and I made a nice salad for us both. She's not eating much at the moment and I'm all clean from my colonic so didn't want an awful lot, but my tummy bloated up again. Lisa stayed over and we did girlie things like reading magazines in bed and chattering. Saturday 19th August 2000 I didn't do much this morning after Lis had gone. I cleaned up and did some more of my painting. It's Jessie's house warming party tonight. It's only 2 streets away from here, how lovely that she lives so close now. But my tummy is so bloated I look about 6 months pregnant. I wonder if I'm eating fruit on top of half digested fruit and not realising it? I'm not eating that much at the moment, though. When I got to Jessie's I felt quite unwell and didn't even feel like being sociable -- usually I'm the life and soul of the party, but I just chatted to Skippy for a bit and then chatted to Jess. I wanted to talk to her about my problems with Stevie but I couldn't -- she's his mate, too, though she's my mate first! And it wasn't the right time -- not at her housewarming. Even though all my mates were there I felt so odd and out of place -- not drinking with them and feeling like I should be alone. I went home at about 10pm. Toby walked me home and we chatted in my kitchen for a bit. While I was there, sitting on the work surfaces I ate 2 avocados and a load of tomatoes (I'm supposed to be experimenting with not eating them to see if I'm intolerant to them), why did I do that when my tummy's so bloated and it's so late and I wasn't hungry? I can only put it down to emotional stress with worrying about my relationship. Oh, I don't want it to go all wrong. But I know this isn't the life I'm supposed to live. I've tried being normal and it just doesn't work. Stevie should be free to find someone who can be complete in that relationship situation. It hurts to think I shouldn't have a boyfriend, and I wonder why. I like being with someone and all that. What is it about me that's supposed to be single? How can other people go through all this and keep their partners? And if I want children, I'm getting on a bit now, what am I supposed to do there? This doesn't make sense to me. Monday 21st August 2000 I weigh about 7 stone 10 now, (108lb). That's a nice weight for me, I think. Except I can't eat a whole durian. I've only eaten a whole one once, and that was a little one after my fast the other week. It didn't move from my stomach for hours! I'm just too small. In my next life I'm going to be a giant so I can eat more. Also I bought some new shoes the other day and they were a size 6 -- my feet have gone down as size! Cor, I had a gorgeous organic watermelon for brekkie (well, not a whole one). It was so tasty but it keeps making me wee. I'm going to have the rest after I've been to the bank. I have to treat myself when I've done something boring... Oh -- I've got no more housework left to do so I'm organising all my bills now... when does this post-cleanse thing stop!! Wednesday 23rd August 2000 I bought some new filing boxes today so I could organise some work stuff! Can't stop this tidying lark. Friday 25th August 2000 I had loads of energy today and fought my craving to lie in the sun because I had to work. I let myself have a good dinner hour and a half out there with my durian though. Saturday 26th August 2000 Didn't go to bed until 4am as I just wasn't tired. I worked until 2 and then read a bit for a while. I woke up at about 9am all energetic and raring to go. Me and Karen went out for the day today. We were just trying to find somewhere nice and peaceful where we could walk round and look at plants and stuff, but Cambridgeshire hasn't got that much to offer, or if it has, I haven't found it! Eventually we went to an old country house and had our picnic on the lawn. Like two aliens who hadn't been told about the use of bread for sandwiches, we made romaine burritos much to everyone's amusement. It was good to get out for the day, though! These last few days I've had more energy than I know what to do with and I feel fantaszmo. Sunday 27th August 2000 Over the last 2 weeks I've doubled my greens intake (probably about the equivalent of 2 romaines a day but varying them lots). I've started to add olive oil on my salad at the moment as it helps me "flow". Before this, I hadn't used oil for several months. The first one I bought -- cold pressed, organic etc made my nose swell up like cooked food does, so I bought another which makes my throat itch a little bit. I know they're not optimal, but I'm beginning to wonder exactly how raw these are. I'm also taking probiotics and I've got some herbs which contains barberry (liver), centaury (liver/stomach), wormwood (bitters), dandelion root (liver, bitters), chamomile (soothe/relax), ginger (digestive/wind), meadowsweet (stomach), cramp bark (soothe/relax) and astragalus (chi tonic, aids respiratory weakness). And I was given some deep breathing exercises (I'm being very good and doing them several times a day). I think the iridology exam and the treatment I chose as a result of it (colonic, herbs, probiotics, deep breathing) have all contributed to me feeling much better in my tummy area. It was a bit bloated yesterday because I was out and didn't have my herbs with me, but all last week it was getting more and more "normal". I'm also on a tomato abstinence fortnight starting yesterday, to see if that has any effect at all. Today I've felt a bit out of sorts. Not tired as such, just not buzzing as much as I normally do. Dunno if it's a detox thing. Sometimes I think when I'm not quite right that it's more of an emotional thing -- when things are out of balance my body goes mental at me. I was supposed to be working today, but spent several hours painting and then went outside and read for a while. Will have to work tomorrow instead. Or maybe tonight or something. I think I'm just putting it off, actually. But I shouldn't. Got another book yesterday. Blimey! Monday 28th August 2000 When I went outside today I saw that 2 of my passion fruits had turned from green to a lovely apricot colour. They were smooth and about the size of a plum. I picked one and it felt kind of hollow. I took it into the house and cut it open. I didn’t know what it’d be like inside so it was a bit of a surprise. Unlike the big purple ones that you can buy which have a yellow watery inside and black seeds, this had a bright red jelly inside (a bit like a big sticky raspberry) with black seeds. The seeds were quite big so I thought I should eat it like a pomegranate, just enjoy the taste a bit then swallow. Oh, it was so sweet -- like jam. I've not had any strange effects from it yet, but it was only about an hour ago. There's time! I remember seeing on a gardening programme years ago about them. The people said you can't eat the fruit. But I think "Can't eat the fruit" can mean "We don’t like the fruit" not "It'll kill you". I'll try the other ripe one tomorrow. How exciting! I found this on the web: "Certain species produce edible 'Passion fruits'. Passiflora x Incense and P. incarnata both produce edible fruit." Didn't find anything about them being poisonous! At 8.30pm I finally started work after avoiding it all day. I'm not cut out for this work lark. I'm still cleaning like a mad woman. I spent about 6 hours doing my house today. I've reorganised my bookshelves and clothes (again) and vacuumed everything in sight. I wonder if it might just calm down a little bit so I can get on with other things! At 10.30pm I ate an apple and it made my nose swell up inside like what cooked food does. I wonder what that’s all about? Why do I keep reacting to things? Am I supposed to not eat? Tues 29th August 2000 I decided to fast today as it's a new moon, but ate a melon at 11.00. Well, that's a mini fast! Coincidentally, there was a story in the paper today about Britt Ekland slipping on a melon and breaking her ankle. Bananas are redundant now. Wed 30th August 2000 I've been off the tomatoes for just 5 days now (it's been a bit tough at times, my salads have been sadads without them), but I noticed today something really good. First of all I woke up feeling sick (not much new there), and couldn't move for about half an hour. So I drank some water with lemon juice in it. Then I went to the loo, and about an hour later went again... and I noticed that my tummy had stopped bloating. I was bloated yesterday (I've actually been feeling like one of those exploding sheep recently, it's been that bad), but today, for the first time in about 6 weeks, I'm back to my skinny-tummy self again. And I've just been to the loo again (you really need to know this, don't you!), and 3 times in a day isn't that usual for me. And they were really good ones! I've learned all about poos in the recent weeks. Here goes: The perfect poo should be "cottage cheese" consistency -- it shouldn't be colon shaped with little balls all compacted together. Constipation is dangerous because it means your colon's backed up and you can retox yourself with the stuff you're trying to get out. Right, I'll stop that now. So, I'll stay off the tomatoes for another 9 days and keep an eye on how I feel. If I still feel smashing at that point, we know who the culprit was, don't we? Why, I oughta... I also think that it might be a "now" thing, and as my body gets stronger, the sensitivity will disappear or diminish. I hope so, I've got a lovely beef tomato plant in my garden and there's a ripe tomato begging me to eat it! I hope it lasts another week! Why can't I work at the moment? I’ve got a big proposal for a potentially massive contract to get out of the door by tonight, and it's bigger than any I've had to do before. So what do I go and do? Take myself off for a 3 hour lunch break and find a meadow where no-one else was, and sit and read and meditate and sunbathe in it, that's what! Explanation, someone? Anyway, I found lots of nice wild food -- found something really hot, very much like rocket or mizuna but hotter, much hotter. It was a bit like dock (might have been a rellie), but had ruffled edges, and was a lighter green. Wow, it was good. Oh, and a horsefly was guarding me all the time I was sat it the meadow. If any other insect buzzed around me it would shoe it off and then come and sit back on my bag. Hmmm... I’m going to do some work now...I am. Next *Funny, coz I use enemas all the time now. Er, well not *all* the time.

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