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The Doxtor

Hello, I'm The Doxtor. I was created by two alien cucumbers in 2007. I'm a fragment of that lady you may know called Shazzie. However, don't make any mistakes, I'm clearly a superior being as I utilise detoxification methods on myself and thousands of other people daily. Shazzie's just a housewife and mother. And she can't even clean very well, she's too busy ego surfing on the Internet, believe me.

I am The Doxtor because I encourage you now to take full responsibility for your health. Nobody else can do it for you. Did you know that humans are the only species who go to another being when they feel ill? This is because we've mislaid our precious innate capabilities to self heal. Did you also know that as soon as you see someone in a white coat you become disempowered? But you can heal thyself of "white coat syndrome" with a little help.

I'm here to tell you there's something else: The enema kit. And wheatgrass. And raw food. And yoga. And love. And right living. And all that.

When you take responsibility for your own health and don't hand it over to someone in a white coat, you don't get ill. Or if you do get ill, you know how to cure yourself naturally. So, I want you to become your own personal doxtor today.

Shine on. And up. And right a bit.

I'm an inspiration

I'm full of inspiration, I am (unlike Shazzie, who's a bit plain, really, when you get to know her). I made a whole series of free ecards (there are some other women on there, but ignore them, they're not as PVCish as me.) Have a look at them and doxtor your loved ones today. Then doxtor yourself. It's really important. Unless you want to end up looking like one of the UK's chief dieticians, who actually looks like she ate all her patients' food. I'd never take her advice, would you?

I'm a poet and I know it

I wrote this for you because I love you. I'm sharing it with you to show you I'm not as harsh or bad as you may imagine. I'm just misunderstood.

What do I know?

Why do I think I know anything?
When everyone around me seems so strange?
Though I wanted so much to be like them
I found it impossible to change.

Am I the odd one? Am I the freak?
Where is my tribe? Where are you?
What do I know about this life?
I feel so blessed yet horribly cursed, too.

What do I know about true love
When I’ve been a dessert for so long?
It can make me prickly like a cactus, that.
And so thirsty I forget to sing my song.

Was it so I learned to love myself?
The loud one from the wrong side of Hull
I made more walls to feel secure
Painted them white coz John said Imagine

Would you reach me if I didn’t wear shoes?
I’m going to ditch those stiff restrainers.
They’re pretty but pointy and pointless.
I’m not even going to wear trainers.

Barefoot Doxtor.
Sweet lady foxtor.
Vageniyummy mummy.
With a bit of extra tummy.

I’m going to love you for proper now.
Right until you love me back.
And then I’ll have to gasp for air.
As it will give me a panic attack.

The spaceship’s filling, my seat is so pretty
There’s still room on it for you
The bags are gone out of the window now
We can love each others’ view

It’s no longer just a matter of time
Because time doesn’t really exist
Neither does matter for that matter
Which is why we can no longer resist

But what do I know?
I know!
I’m a fairy godmother.
I’m going to make my own wishes come true.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

There. Three times, the magic number.

It’s here.
It’s now and I’ve got my wings to fly alongside you for ever.
Or at least until I have to return my costume.

I might keep the pants, though.

Ecstatic Beings

The Doxtor and Miss Magic wrote Ecsatic Beings because we are ecstatic beings. Imagine self-help meets and adult jackie annual and you may be some way there. Obvs you won't get all of the way there until you click the picture and buy the book. Go on, spoil yourself.

Doxtor's juice

One night, two alien cucumbers invaded my room and turned me into The Doxtor you see before you. They put me through a series of mouth puckering astringent tests to see if I was up to the job. Of course, I passed with flying colours. One test was to make a Doxtor's juice, which would ecstasise the nation. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time. One of them laid down its life for me. For you. For us. Goddess, the least we can do now is drink the stuff. Down the hatch.

1 whole celery
1 cucumber
1 bunch of parsley
1 apple

Blend in a Vita-Prep 3
Pour into a stocking (not my orange footless fishnets).
Squeeze with delight
Drink.

The aliens told me that people don't like cleaning juicers and so that's why they blend. I made the stocking bit up, but they liked it. Well, the one that's still alive did. The other one couldn't communicate as he'd had his cell walls shattered and all his nutrients released. If he was a tomato, all his lycopene would have been made bioavailable without resorting to cooking. What a waste, cooking is.

Feel the ego and do it anyway

Some say I have an over-inflated ego. They're wrong. I have plural. Egi. In a patriarchal world such as this, I need them just to survive. They are my best friends. And I water them regularly (with a little bit of food grade hydrogen peroxide in there, too). I channel my Egi, just as Esther channels her Abraham.

Disclaimer from Shazzie

"Please note that The Doxtor has nothing to do with me at all. She is her own person, she's more than a little bit naughty and she will not take no for an answer. You tell her she can't do something and she says "Watch me". Then she bolly well goes and does it! Me, I'm just a pussycat who lets ladies in pink PVC take over my web site. Our viewpoints are not always the same and I'm nowhere near as bitchy as she is. I think she needs less enemas and perhaps more kava kava. If the ridicularse government hadn't made it illegal. Kava, that is, not enemas. It's not yet illegal to stick a tube up your bum."

Shazzle Dazzle

Hello, I'm Shazzle Dazzle. I haven't got too much to say because I'm busy queueing up at chip-fat fuelled bus stops and talking about how glorious the weather is. Haven't you noticed just how sunny it always is? Must be the cloudbusters the new Green Party Government have installed.

And something else I'm busy with at the moment is discussing the ecstatic feelings everyone gets when going to work. Everyone loves their jobs so much, and they would always work even if they didn't need to. How wonderful. So glad we now have the three day working week, too. There's a lot of leisure and pleasure to be had out there, and squeezing it into two days was always such a chore, wasn't it?

Ah, I do also have millions of conversations with ladies about how fabulous their men treat them. They say that their men worship the ground they walk on, that they love to shower them with gifts, massage their feet and make chocolate and juice for them. Of course the ladies let them as they love to recieve, rather than boss the men around and treat them like another child. You humans are so lucky to manifest everything you've ever wanted in your lives.

Shine on, sisters and brothers, for tomorrow is an even brighter day. And I'm off to have a hot date with Russ. Oh, the perfection of life.

Disclaimer from Shazzie

"Please note that though Shazzie and Shazzle Dazzle may sound the same, there are some critical differences in us. I'm very multidimensional and have my feet on the ground and my head in the stars all at the same time. Shazzle Dazzle is only interested in living in the VIP room (she's clearly a Visionary In Paradise), and making fruit cocktails for the likes of Russell Brand. I'd never throw myself at him, but Shazzle Dazzle does all the time. Before he was married she even got my marketing manager to send him raw chocolates. Oh the shame."

Corrylin Yates Crompton

Hello, I'm Corrylin Yates Crompton. I might be knocking 40 but I'm still a goer. OK, I tried to quit the fags and booze, but it's hard you know. Like, when all me mates down the pub are doin' it. I just really wanna make a fresh start, since my Colin left me, but it's hard, you know? Like all me mates have got husbands. And I like em, men. They fascinate me. Keep me young. I can't help it, it's the way I was born. I think I'm a bit addicted to 'em. I had two of 'em hiding in me wardrobe the other day. Hiding from me cleaner. Well, I was a bit ashamed. Woman like me. Shouldn't 'ave. Am respectable really. Oh, and the sleeping pills. I can't help it, it's the way I was born. You try being me. It's hard, you know. I can't help it. I'm not gonna change now, am I?

I'll write more when I've won some money on the lottery. Oh, if I won even half a million, me life'd be so much better, you know? Colin would come back to me then. Oh, Colin, Colin.

Corrylin and colin before Corrylin was charged with dolphigamy.

"Wake up, Corrylin"

"Oh no, not you! Please, no...."

"It's for your own good, Corrylin. You'll feel much better when you've taken these."

Disclaimer from Shazzie

"Poor Corrylin. Please love her and let her know it's all alright really. There's no such thing as insanity, it's just that left-brainitis runs this world and many right brained people don't know how to live in it, and it drives them over the edge. We could have all turned out like her if we hadn't detoxed our worlds. Let's send her love and hope she finds the beginning of her tether very soon. Bless her. And bless us, because there's a little bit of Corrylin in all of us."

Queen Xacacao

Hello, I'm Queen Xacacao (pronounced Sha-ka-kaw). I'm a relatively new fragment of the group of beings we call Shazzie. I was born from something deep and dark and chocolatey. Actually, chocolate. Raw chocolate that's enrobed with ecstatic foods. I live in a country called Raw Britannia. I have my own flag, national dress (I especially love it when men wear my national dress), and I have my own set of rules. You can have yours, too. Just decide what's right and real for you and stick by it, regardless of the funny looks you get. They'll soon pass, as people realise you are authentic.

Shazzie wrote a book about all the raw food that gets served in my country. You can download it here for free:

My life is filled with chocolate, from the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep. I hire male masseusses to massage me in all the right places (and palaces) with raw cacao butter. I have courtiers to tell me how chocolately-smooth I look. I have a Princess of Popple Cake who knows one day all this will be hers. I am the luckiest Queen in the whole Multiverse. And I am a benevolent Queen. I bestow you with gifts of love, flags and other merchandise when you have a vegan, raw, environmental or animal friendly festival. Well, the right royal Princess Jennie does, because I actually just sit around giving out orders. Nicely.

I started the Raw Chocolate Revolution with my Chocolate Pope David Avocado Noni Wolfe. I've been very busy since then and haven't managed to stroll the purple carpet so much, and I do beg your pardon for that.

I'm a revolutionary Queen

You may wonder how I came to be Queen. Well, so do I. I didn't think I intended it, but as we create our own reality, I guess it was always in me. First, I realised I looked great in a crown, shiny robes and with jewels. Then I wondered... what makes a country? A group of people in one place that need someone to lead them into their own greatness, creativeness, ecstatic bliss and divinity? Well, that was enough for me. I made myself Queen Xacacao and I love my people and my country. I will do anything to make Britannia Raw, and I hope you are with me on that.

Chocolate in the buff

One night, The Prince of Flowers, Xochipilli, came to me during an intense Ayahuasca ceremony. He was a sight to behold and I will love him for ever as the one suitor that may just have been great enough for a Queen such as I. He showed me elevated states through raw chocolate and ancient, respectful living. I will love him for ever. I will love raw chocolate for ever. Gosh,we are all one, aren't we?

My gift to you

Since our awesome discovery of raw chocolate in 2003, I've been working with my freinds at Detox Your World to produce the UK's first raw organically certified chocolate bars. We love to create magic for you at every opportunity!

Before chocolate opened my heart, my number one food was cucumber. Now I give those to The Doxtor. She makes juice all day long and brings me a few pints here and there. Such a loyal servent. A bit fiesty, though. Maybe she could do with a cacaoenema?

Disclaimer from Shazzie

Though I love Queen Xacacao, we are not the same person. I feel she's slightly limiting, causing her self to be Queen of Raw Britannia when there's a whole Multiverse out there to master. Never limit yourselves. Remember the most ecstatic quote from The Alchemist: "But that's too much" "Never say that again. The Universe may be listening and could give you less next time". Heed it Queenie.

The Ecstasist

Hello, I'm The Ecstasist. I'm going to write more about myself soon, just as soon as I've tied up The Doxtor. She's very disruptive.

Then I have to go and help poor Corrylin. She's being charged with dolphigamy. She didn't know it was illegal. Well, she didn't invent the law, so she doesn't know why she's accountable for it. Makes no sense to me, either.

Oh, and then I have an ayahuasca ceremony to attend. I'll be the lightest one in the room, all kundalini'd up and surging beautiful energy into the planet.

Yes, then I'll be with you. Just as soon as I've done all that. Be lovely. Always.

Disclaimer from Shazzie

"Please note that The Ecstasist isn't excactly me. She's a bit too nice, and some people take advantage of her. While she goes round singing "la la la" and picking flowers, I'm actually having to wipe Evie's bum and make more chocolate. It's alright for some."